Jean Rubin

Fashionista Musings

The world is in serious shape and sometimes my frustration at not being able to do anything about it drives me crazy. It’s enough that there’s war, famine and natural disasters assaulting my senses daily, so I need a diversion. It only takes a little to put me over the edge–like the fact that half of  the legislators in our controversial state don’t believe in global warming–so sometimes I have to escape into Glee’s world.

Glee is back from her glamping trip–everything was first class–and she is focused on Fall fashion. Please let me remind you in case you haven’t left your house in weeks or you’re still hanging out in San Diego like April, it’s monsoon season here.

That means high temperatures embalmed in storms with excessive humidity. Just my kind of weather. I can barely lift my arms and legs because they’re stuck to the leather sofa. You can imagine my avid interest when Glee called to give me the latest fashion report.

“Jean, you have to come to a Fall preview with me. They’re showing fur, feathers and pantsuits! You’ll just love it! remember the matching quail feather boas we bought years ago? Well, we can wear them now!”

“Glee, I’m permanently stuck on my sofa and can’t imagine putting feathers around my chicken neck. That was for a costume not to wear in public. Besides, I don’t wear fur and if I’m understanding you, the newest trend will make me look like Hilary Clinton’s bad step-sister. Pantsuits? Are you sure that’s right?”

“For Heaven’s sake, you have to keep up. You can’t wear Birkenstocks and hippie skirts forever.”

“Why not? Even my mother has stopped criticizing me. Well, not completely. Anyway, pantsuits sound hot.”

“Well, I thought you wanted to keep up after your spa make-over but I can see you are rejecting my fashion advice.”

“No, I love you and your advice. I’m too stressed in Scottsdale to follow it. But, I promise, the first person I see in Trader Joe’s wearing a boa, I’ll run right home and put on mine.

“These aren’t the old pantsuits. This is an updated look with tuxedo jackets and a satin stripe down the side of the leg.”

“Glee, if I don’t look ridiculous enough, you want me to dress like a waiter spitting feathers?”

“Well, I’m just trying to help.”

An Environmental No-No

As lackadaisical as I am about the latest fashion trends, one piece of news did strike me as important. Parsons New School of Design (of “Project Runway” fame) is going to be the first school to be offering a course in zero waste. It seems a lot of fabric scraps are wasted making a garment. I can hear Tim Gunn saying now, “We’re going to Mood Fabrics and use the accessory wall wisely.”

So what garment creates the most waste? Jeans! A wardrobe staple for baby boomers and young people everywhere. Jeans are cited as the most wasteful and high polluting of all garments made not only because of the left over fabric but dyes, extra washings, energy, packaging and gallons of water used by consumers.

Students will learn how to use fibers that haven’t been hit with pesticides or fertilizers and make jeans with fewer pockets. American Apparel is making underwear from scraps. Denim underwear? Uh, I’m already itchy and  sweating.

A Funny Way to Live Longer

If I don’t laugh I’ll cry. We’ve all heard that expression. Ha! If I don’t laugh I’ll maim Maury. I didn’t say kill because that could land me in prison with an angry Bubbie with pencil-thin eyebrows and her girlfriends. I just want him to remember to close doors, turn off lights and put the kosher pickles back in the refrigerator. He totally stressed me out this week when he left early for work and left the front door wide open after he brought in the newspaper. Now I admit that our headlines are more distracting than other places because more than half the people running for public office in this election cycle don’t believe in global warming. However, it’s no excuse to leave me sleeping and inviting anyone who walks by to come in and visit. Yes, we always have cold beers available but I’m not wont to share them with strangers.

When I confronted him with his gross security negligence,  Maury said I shouldn’t take things so seriously because nothing happened since our neighbors or anyone else driving by knows there’s a harridan living at our address and that I needed to read the latest Norwegian study that tracked 70,000 people and found the ones who scored highest on the sense-of humor scale, live longer.

“Oh yeah? How do they test sense of humor? By having you tell them a doctor joke?” was my smart retort.

“No. Laughing relaxes the endothelium, the fragile lining of your arteries, to boost blood flow by 15 percent. It also melts stress and reduces cortisol, which I can see you sorely need.”

“And now you’re going to tell me that leaving the door open, searching for eyeglasses and keys and forgetting appointments is a good thing?”

“Jean, I’m just saying that you need to see the humor in your life.”

Right. While he creates hurricanes in my life.

High End Camping for the Scottsdale Crowd

Even Glee is feeling the effects of this economy. But I have to say she’s creative. Now April, who never has to worry because her husband Steve is a personal injury attorney and there are a plethora of people with low IQs here–I know this because we had to pass a “Stupid Motorist” law so people who drive through raging rivers and have to be rescued will be responsible–would rather stay home than go camping.

But not Glee. She went glamping recently with her new boyfriend who is also a life coach. In case you’re not familiar with the newest craze it’s camping, Scottsdale style. But for sports figures who cannot figure out what they’re going to do with huge amounts of money when their careers end prematurely or the affluent who realize they have to follow a budget, here’s a vacation idea! Glee and her honey drove to the High Country for a camping trip that included special air mattresses, champagne, gourmet food baskets, a trendy teepee instead of a leaky tent, portable toilets and mobile phone chargers. I didn’t mention the 500 count linens and place mats yet, did I?

“That’s not camping. That’s a luxury event at the Princess Hotel only outside,” I told her when she explained what glamping was.

“Jean, you have no idea how bonding with nature de-stresses the soul. Efraim and I felt so rejuvenated after a weekend of cutting our carbon footprint.”

“How much trash did you leave behind?”

“The glamping organizers dispose of all garbage by hauling it back to the Valley.”

“There are organizers?”

“Of course. You don’t think I could pack up all that stuff myself, do you?”

Are You Relaxed after a Vacation?

Maury took me for a little getaway. Nothing fancy. Just cooler weather and a hotel room with clean floral  bedspreads.Vacations are supposed to assist you with breaking your routine, forgetting about technology and lowering your stress…except if your electronics come with you, your husband still watches the invasion of Normandy on the History Channel and talks about the golf game he’s playing tomorrow, the one he played today and the ones he hopes to play in the future.

My cell phone still rang, I checked email frequently and read texts from my kids, who let me know I was missed by  harassing me. So I decided to tame my information appetite by following advice from a Swiss neuroscientist with the unlikely name of Torkel Klingberg. Someone with that name has to evolve into someone scholarly because no one would take him seriously otherwise. The title of his book sounded like it was written for me: The Overflowing Brain: Information Overload and the Limits of Working Memory.

Torkel’s solutions are activities that demand concentration like watching sequential episodes of “The Bachlorette” and trying to figure out if Ali slept with Chris after her hot night with Roberto or playing chess, which is not in the realm of possibilities for me in this lifetime. My favorite, though, was a suggestion of “controlled multitasking,” which does not mean explaining to your mother why she is not coming with you on vacation while you’re packing your suitcase and putting an extra coat of polish on your toe nails.

It means they want you to draw a triangle with one hand while you make a square with the other and trace a circle with your foot. Are they kidding? These guys have way too much grant money and too few ideas. If they want multi-tasking, they need to come to my house.

Local Talent

My extravagant friend, Glee, who reinvents herself frequently and is now marketing herself as a Life Coach specializing in stress reduction for those with “information-fatigue syndrome,” invited me to a networking event for environmental fashionistas.

I had no clue what that meant but I wore cotton instead of synthetics and “dressed Scottsdale” per Glee’s instructions. That means cute shoes (no Birkenstocks), fashionable looking accessories and make up, that’s been applied with more aplomb than when Tangie, my four-year-old granddaughter, paints me up. Unfortunately, it melted onto my neck in this heat.

Local Talent, a fashion emporium for local designers and artists, was hosting the event for author, Marcia Fine. Glee said, “That woman is writing about me in her Scottsdale satirical series.” With thoughtfulness she added, “I know she’s making fun of me, but any publicity is better than none, especially if its from some half-baked author who hasn’t attended any of my seminars for “Stress and the Modern Woman: Find Your Inner Core by Eating a Gala Apple a Day.”