My friend, Glee, is newly single so I’m getting all the scoop about dating in Scottsdale. It’s different than dating in other Arizona cities because Scottsdale was founded as a temperance colony in 1951. That means drinking, dancing and carousing were banned from its environs and the smokers,  jokers and midnight tokers were not tolerated here. Boy, have things changed. When that era ended in the 1950s Scottsdale attracted artists, wealthy snowbirds and congested people with allergies. Now we’re overrun with partying 20-soemthings, cougars and sexpectation experts.

I confess, I didn’t know about cougars until Glee became one looking for companionship with younger, hotter men. When I asked her what they talk about she burst out laughing. “But,” I protested, “you might want to have a conversation some time.” She said, “That’s why I have girlfriends and belong to a book club.” That said, she dragged me off to a taboo women’s symposium at Scottdale‘s Mondrian hotel ( can use link here) in their Red Bar put on by two men who claimed to be relationship experts and life coaches.

To protect the identity of the guilty we were allowed to put fake names on our names tags. As if everyone in Scottsdale doesn’t know everyone else. Maury says that if we take away all the old people and the cowboys there’s only a few of us left. Anyway, many of the women used stripper names. Glee, whose public persona is everywhere, adopted Evil Jungle Princess and I chose B. Kini. Okay, mine’s not great but I didn’t know I’d have to think. At any rate, these women let it all hang out. The big topic was “sexpectations” and let me tell you, some of these women could scare a man right out of his undies.

Lock Up Your Appliances in Scottsdale

My mother is paranoid about everything–her posessions (“Don’t ever tell anyone what you have, especially your art.” “But, mom, you own 3 Chagall rpints of flying rabbis. No opne wnts those.”), information (“Jean, don’t tell that young man we’re going out for lunch. He could rob my apartment.” “But, mom, he’s doesn’t know where you live.” “Never mind.”), and her purse,whose content are comprised of 2 pairs of reading glasses from Costco, 3 embroidered hankies and a change purse with $1.49 .

So when I saw an article in the Scottsdale section of the paper accompanied by 3 suspects having a very bad hair day about appliances, it stopped me. I prayed my mother wouldn’t see it. But, true to form, she scoured the news and called me to announce that thetre have been 10 appliance thefts in Scottsdale. I cannot make this up. The thieves have given up on purse snatching and have decided to go after my mother’s refrigerator filled with yogurt and suppositories. She was in a complete panic and wanted to know if Maury could come over and bolt down her fridge and “microrange.” I explained they were going to vacant homes but she insisted she’s going to be hiding her toaster behind her white go-go boots that Lara’s been coveting in the back of her closet. Give me strength.

4 Responses to “Scottsdale News: Taboo Dating Topics and Stolen Appliances”

  1. Yo, Yenta! Says:

    Maybe I should lock the microrange to the wine refrigerator? Poor Bubba-next she’ll be stressing over someone stealing the cacti out of the front yard…

  2. Jean Rubin Says:

    Now that she’s in a building with attendants she’s convinced someone is going to steal something. Esp. her French underwear.

  3. Angela Damien Says:

    Go Glee no Evil Jungle Princess… no need to talk! GRRRRR Cougar POWER!

  4. Jean Rubin Says:

    Glee has just attended a cougar seminar. More on that tomorrow!

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