We Are Not Joking

A now-demoted local principal is in trouble for sending a sarcastic email to a teacher making fun of students. No, he didn’t call anyone a “retard” like Rahm Emanuel. He picked on kids with food allergies and one with a nervous tic. Maury says that parents invent a lot of the kids’ allergies so the parents can feel needed. “No one in my class had peanuts impounded or knew about gluten-free when I was growing up,” he tells me. “Most kids were healthy back then.”

“What about the kid with nervous tics? No one should make fun of that.” I stated. “Their parents are giving them stress,” he told me. “They’re coddling them. Helicopter parenting makes kids crazy. They need to get over it. Whatever IT is.” Maury’s a no-nonsense kind of guy. With a serious sense of humor.

And speaking of humor, I may be losing mine. In a satire I just read the author makes fun of “pint-sized neuroses and kids with allergies” at her grandson’s birthday party. And there’s a few other things that hit close to home. Barbara Watkins says it all.

People Who Want Heart Attacks

We have a local restaurant called the Heart Attack Grill that not only serves French fries cooked in lard but has also trademarked, “A Taste Worth Dying For.” Along with high-calorie food there’s servers dressed as nurses in scanty uniforms decorated with a Red Cross who will push you to your car in a wheelchair after you’ve eaten their 6000 calorie “Quadruple Bypass Hamburger.” National news covered the owner turning a fire hose on a group of picketing nurses. I can’t make this up.

It’s also an opportunity to eat in a hospital gown over your clothes under a sign warning you that “the establishment is bad for your health.” Plus, the real bonus: Customers who weigh 350 pounds or more eat for free. What a deal! In case you have a heart attack during your meal there’s a an ambulance waiting outside. I cannot make this up.

So what genius thought up this idea? None other than Jon Basso known as “Doctor Jon.” He strides around his establishment  in a lab coat, stethoscope hanging around his neck.  He has anointed himself  a “junk-food pornographer” and “the anti-Christ of health.” And how did a former Jenny Craig franchise owner and nutritionist decide to do something so politically incorrect? It was his masters thesis Thunderbird School of Global Management.

Personally, I might eat there. Once. So I could say I did. But I’d have a lot of stress feeling guilty.

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