Trash Tokens

Now we all know some fans go through celebrity garbage for tokens of their favorite surgically-enhanced, non-talented blond starlets and identity thieves think that’s a good source of information (so if you’re not shredding, start now!), but now we have the threat of microchips in our garbage! Stress! In London, the high-end of a nanny-state, the local governments have installed 2.6 million microchips in people’s garbage to find out if they are recycling.

I knew it! My mother was right! There are people looking in our garbage! Even paranoid old ladies speak the truth sometimes. “Jean, always wrap your q-tips in a tissue before you throw them away.” Why? So people won’t know there was wax in my ears? Listen, folks, if they’re using this new surveillance to monitor green activity, we’re all in trouble. The “pay as you throw” policy for rubbish is voluntary but do you really want someone evaluating your garbage? And charging you if you didn’t re-cycle correctly? Aren’t you stressed out enough?

From the British invasion of rock music to mini-skirts, whatever starts there comes here. I knew the Garbage Police were going to show up sometime. I just didn’t know when. I never would have suspected it would be under an environmental disguise. And I can’t wait to see what they’re wearing. Maybe my mother should dress them in green polyester and stacked heel silver boots.

Our State has Nuttier Politicians Than Yours

The people representing the state of Arizona are a constant source of entertainment until you realize that they are crazy and can influence your life. Our latest gaffe from Trent Franks, a U.S. Representative who was a protege of impeached, racist-remarking, impeached Governor Evan Mecham, is a doozy.

What could be said that would cause enough outrage that E.J. Montini made it to the front page of the local section of our newspaper as a big headline? What could get my mother to call me at 7 AM and want to move out of state? Okay, maybe that’s not a bad idea, but I’d be the one having to pack her up all over again with her ugly gold barrel chair and eat ten more senior lunches at assisted living facilities.

Trent Franks equates abortion with slavery. No matter what you think about the topic of terminating a pregnancy, do you know any sane people who think a family-planning decision is equal to the mistreatment and enslavement of an entire people? I cannot make this up. They’re getting crazier and crazier here. I’m waiting for the next nut who claims they can tell your political preferences from your front lawn cactus arrangement. The realization that I’m living in a place with these kind of unbridled nut cases representing me gives me enough stress to eat two warm, slightly melted chocolate lava cakes. Myself.

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