Scottsdale Frozen Heads

7:00 am

Do Not Freeze Me!

Besides being the plastic surgery/frozen face capitol of the world (okay, maybe Brazil has us beat), we are now the frozen head controversial Nut Place of the United States. We all remember the controversy around baseball legend, Ted Williams, who signed up to have his head cryogenically frozen. His body had to be dug up because his wishes were not followed. So imagine my sarcastic surprise when I learned frozen heads were back in the news again!

Believe it or not, there’s a guy named Orville Richardson who requested the same thing of Alcor, only one of ten places in the U.S. that freezes people. In Scottsdale Airpark. Which might happen anyway if you wandered in on a 115+ degree day from one of the wholesale furniture places when you saw the prices of uncomfortable leather sofas in buttermilk and puce. It seems Orville‘s brother, David, says he was buried before his wishes could be carried out, even though other family members say he changed his mind.

Consequently, Orville is being exhumed . . . so Alcor can cut off his head and save it.

Never mind it’s supposed to be done two minutes after your heart stops or within the first fifteen. What if you “buy it” at Fashion Square in Barney’s when you see the tag on the dress you tried on? The ambulance would have to be really fast to get you to north Scottsdale! And saving your head’s a bargain!

Only $80,000. Or $150,000 if you think your body is so fab that you want to freeze that too.

Now I am not in favor of this no matter what science says about advancements. If Maury stays and I go, the last thing he’ll want me to do is remind him to close the refrigerator door or stop making buttered popcorn and leaving the remnants all over the family room. Which is probably all I’d have to say from the other side.

And, if my mother learns this important news she might decide this is a good way to control the family from afar.

“Jean, all of me may not be there but I can still see although my hearing is not great and even without my glasses I can tell you’re grooming is less than satisfactory. It’s inappropriate to wear hiking shorts and sandals to the store no matter what the temperature. And, please call a hairdresser. My roots are showing.”

But I don’t have to worry: the doctor said her heart and lungs are so healthy she’ll live another twenty years.

So if you’re looking for some place to dump your money, join the other 84 heads that are already stored or the 865 who are waiting for the inevitable event. And get a haircut. Nails and hair keep growing after you expire. No, I am not making any of this up. Only in Scottsdale!

Leave a Reply