Green Bags Are Not!

7:00 am

No Reusable Bags?

Life buzzes by in a flurry of frenetic activity. Besides guiding Glee through her new romance with a more age-appropriate man, who, by the way, she met at an upscale Scottsdale restaurant waiting for take-out in a fancy track suit, Dolce and Gabbana sunglasses and $200 sneakers, I am devastated to find out my green efforts have been squashed.

New research from the University of Arizona has found that the reusable bags we carry to the grocery store so we don’t have to make the burdensome decision of paper or plastic, are contaminated. That’s right. My two mismatched canvas bags advertising male performance drugs that Maury got free at a meeting, logo prominently displayed, may be carrying potentially harmful bacteria. That’s a disappointment. I kinda like the reaction when I run into April’s society friends who can’t remember my name (one always squints at me like I must be familiar but can’t place where she could possibly know me from) with my unfashionable, unmatched bags.

It turns out twelve percent of the bags tested contain E.coli, which indicates possible “fecal matter and more dangerous pathogens.” Charles Gerba, the UA professor who co-authored the study, says we could be “gambling with germs.” Raw meat could leak onto the fabric and then contaminate other food and presto, you could expire right in front of the over-priced baby veggies aisle in the fancy food store of your dreams.

Worse, even though the meat is wrapped, if you put it in the inferno trunk of your car, a hotbed of breeding for stealthy germs, the blood–politely called juice by the scientists–could fester, propagate or worse, explode! Scottsdalians could be driving home in their gold accessorized ransom-sized SUVs and the back end of the car could ignite. Picture the terrified occupant covered in meat blood wailing at a red light for help, recently done French manicured nails splayed in the air.

The solution? Wash your bags after every use. Like I have time for that! I’m stressed in Scottsdale from kids, Maury the Magnificent and my mother and now I have to worry about an invasion of bacteria…in my grocery bags. Did I mention Gerba received $30,000 from the American Chemistry Council for the study?

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