Our Old People Are Missing!

7:00 am

And You Thought You Had Problems

Japan has lost its old people. A recent report states 234,354 centenarians have disappeared. Vaporized into an early rapture? Lost in the neighborhood? Down the drain because they shriveled up? None of the above! A government survey has found that the majority would be over 120 years old (I know Glee says the lack of meat in their diet is why they live so long but with genetically engineered corn, tomatoes, potatoes, alfalfa and now salmon I have my doubts) and 884 of them would be 150. That’s really old!

Now, I realize exercise, organic food, supplements, hormone replacement therapy and  a few surgical enhancements in Scottsdale has stretched our population to its limits, but no one is 150 years old. Even if they might look like it when they smash their grocery basket into mine at Trader Joe’s. Well, maybe at Friendly Arms where my mother lives there are a few ossified people that could pass. But, we still can’t produce that many centenarians! I don’t care how many prunes they eat.

So how did they do it?

It’s easy.

Fraud. They lied about their elderly inhabitants so they could continue to receive government money. For example, Sogen Kato’s granddaughter has been arrested on suspicion of abandonment and pension fraud because grandpa has been dead for 32 years! He would have been 111 years old if police hadn’t found his decaying body in his home. Gruesome but true. But that’s not the worst story. A 104-year-old woman was found in her son’s backpack. Just let one of my kids try that with me! I will look with suspicion at all people in their 60s carrying one and saying grandma likes to go everywhere.

We’re in trouble, folks! The National Institute on Aging says as Baby Boomers age the 75,000 who are a hundred years old now will rise to 600,000 by midcentury. That means none of us will remember an actor in a popular movie or what we had for dinner. We get a birthday every year whether we want one or not. Maury says staying rabid during the political season will keep him young. Maybe. It’s aging me. especially when the Guv sees “headless bodies” in the desert. We’re all getting stressed. Start investing now in rockers and youth elixirs! If we’re lucky we’ll all get there!

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