The Scariest News of All!

3:40 pm

It’s Not Just…

that  Tuni’s back in town  promoting her new book about jail after serving a seven year prison sentence  (I cannot make this up!). I was with the author who satirized her in Boomerang: When Life Comes Back to Bite You, a best seller based on a scam that involved artifacts inspired by the Vatican. Or that the group of people she conned out of five to six million dollars have welcomed her back ( Glee can’t wait to have a luncheon for her!) because she is still very charming and a redhead whose chutzpah knows no boundaries. Ellis Sterling, her charismatic husband, has also arrived…

Or that Maury has Cabinet Blindness, a term I have diagnosed affecting all men over forty. It strikes with fervor when they look into a refrigerator or a pantry and can’t see what’s in front of them even with detailed descriptions.

“It’s to the left of the lettuce on the bottom shelf.”

“Which bottom shelf?”

“There’s only one bottom shelf in the refrigerator.” Unless you’re in a space ship and up is down.

Or that our local newspaper devoted an entire page to how wonderful the economy is inside Barney’s, one of Scottsdale‘s most upscale stores labeled as a “retail powerhouse.”  They recently hosted an event for the anorexic Olsen twins, because it doesn’t have “that uptight Palm Beach feel to it.” Whatever that is! I get loosey-goosey just thinking about $400 black T-shirts or $140 candles called “Un Gardenia la Nuit.”

Or that the heat is extending our ozone risk so much we’ve broken all records for the colorless pollutant that irritates  eyes, throats and causes damage to lung tissue over time, leaving people more susceptible to new infections as well as the warning from Benjamin Grumbles (I cannot make that name up!), director of the state agency who suggests we need year-round action to prevent smog.

It’s the laptops! That’s right! It’s laptops on people’s laps that can lead to “toasted skin syndrome!” The temperature in one case reached 125 degrees–almost an Arizona summer day! According to two Swiss researchers in Basel (I didn’t make that up either!), it can even lead to skin cancer. Using your laptop on your lap for men can lead to elevated scrotum temperatures that decreases sperm production which potentially leads to infertility.

That’s the scariest of all! Infertility from checking your Facebook account and tweeting all day! I knew there was something wrong with reporting what you ate or other mundane activities to the general population. I just knew it!

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