Scottsdale Babies

5:22 pm

We’re family-friendly!

Parents magazine says we’re ranked number one for the best city to raise babies. You’d never know that from all the complaints from Lara’s friends. They’re upset there aren’t more binkies in special colors, free nannies and a drop-off toilet training center.

No matter. Back to the latest statistics. So what criterion did they use? Everything from the number of parks (41) to safety. As if the moms in Lara’s mommy’s group aren’t obsessed enough they’re checking the rankings and rushing to the car-seat authorities that assist with installation.

We were very lax in the parenting department. We didn’t know there was danger lurking everywhere so we actually took vacations and left the children home with babysitters. For shame!

“Mom, I don’t know how you could have left us with that maniac Avis while you went to Guatemala!”

“Lara, your father and I needed a break and some alone time. You wanted us to stay married, didn’t you?”

“Mom, Gus and I haven’t had a vacation since our honeymoon! We wouldn’t consider leaving Tangerine and Buzz with a stranger.”

“Avis wasn’t a stranger. She worked for us for years… although she might have been a bit eccentric. Just because she drove her car like an Israeli tank and cursed out the window at people who cut her off doesn’t mean she was a danger to society.”

“Mom, how could you? Michael and I were petrified holding hands in the back seat. She wouldn’t let us stay up late and watch TV either.”

“Well, those were my instructions. We didn’t want to come home to bug-eyed illiterate children who hadn’t slept in days.”

“Oh yeah? Well, I wouldn’t say Michael turned out all that great. He’s on his fourth multi-level marketing company.”

“Have any other complaints about your childhood while you’re at it?”

“Yes, as a matter of fact, I’m scarred for life because you never bought me a Halloween costume. We had to create a character, search for a costume in an old trunk and make ourselves up with two old black eyebrow pencils and a tube of red lipstick. The least you could’ve done was spring for a few more wigs.”

“Well, I wasn’t going to let you kids ruin my Persian Melon.”

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