Nothing Is Safe

7:00 am

Stressful Food

You may think that you’re eating a healthy diet with only occasional lapses, but according to scientists, you’re doomed. According to the journal Environmental Science & Technology, researchers measured 105 foods and found “quantifiable levels” of bisphenol A (BPA) in 63 of them. In case you’ve forgotten that’s the chemical found in baby bottles that caused mothers everywhere–especially in Scottsdale where they’re extra careful–apoplexy last year.

So if our daughter, Lara, who is named after the heroine of our first date re-run movie, Doctor Zhivago, isn’t paranoid enough, she is banning canned tuna and string beans as well as sandwich turkey meat from touching her childrens’ lips. Young mothers have so much to stress about. That’s why they never let their children out of their sight.

“Mom, did you know this toxic chemical is linked to cardiovascular disease, diabetes and male sexual dysfunction? Don’t let Dad make those ginormous sandwiches with turkey meat anymore. Throw out all your canned peas!”

“Lara, calm down. We haven’t eaten canned peas since you were a baby and that was only because you liked to roll them around your high chair tray. Since when are you worried about what goes on behind our closed bedroom door? I’ll have you know your father and I are quite pleased with one another.”

“MOM! Ever since the two of you started taking those super-vitamins and eating vegetables, you’ve gotten very cocky. You’re totally unaware of the BPA in polycarbonate plastic and epoxy resins. Did you know  recent studies say that mice who ingest bisphenol A get early puberty? Grandma might have adverse effects too. Don’t they serve canned vegetables at Friendly Arms? She hasn’t seen a fresh piece of broccoli in a year.”

“Lara, your grandmother has no danger of early puberty and everything can be hazardous to us in some way. Maybe you’d better read the study about people who consume sugar the equivalent to two and a half cans of soda. They have higher blood pressure. Colorado researcher, Diana Jalal, M.D., says that much sugar can activate hormones and restrict blood vessels. How much Halloween candy did your husband and kids eat?”

“MOM! You know I have issues with too much information!”

One Response to “Nothing Is Safe”

  1. Barb Best Says:

    Very funny! We all have issues with TMI!

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