After a week of a disagreement with my daughter-in-law over serving the kids non-organic milk while I was babysitting, an altercation with Maury because he refuses to keep a calendar, scheduling a golf game during his annual visit Mayo Clinic and April insisting I could no longer wear my old workout pants with a hole under the right bun, I returned one of my mother’s many messages.

“Jean, I decided to drive again.”

“Mom you haven’t driven a car in years.”

“No matter. I want to take it up again.”


“So I can transport Selma and Letty for real lunch and shopping.”

“But-but you don’t have a car.”

“So what! I can borrow yours when I pass the test.”

Apparently AAA Arizona will be providing safe driving workshops for teens and seniors.  Not exactly what I call school but I can’t imagine my mother behind the wheel. I already have enough stress. I caved in and decided to humor my mother and attend the first workshop.

Besides a kid who’s texting and swerving and an elderly senior citizen, have you ever watched a Scottsdale babe on the phone, hands splayed so she doesn’t mess her nails? Sometimes they can’t even lift their hands to the top of the steering wheel because of the ice-rink diamonds.

After 10 minutes with my mother beside me in her silk shantung pantsuit and hat as she dozes off, I realize that these workshops need to be designed to fit the personalities that live in Arizona.

The Snowbird-This workshop will focus on teaching our winter visitors not to stop for green lights and that it is okay to drive more than 5 mph. They’ll also learn which lanes to drive in, how to use their blinkers and what to do when there’s no snow on the ground.

The Student– Students will learn how to stop texting behind the wheel, make complete stops and look both ways before turning.  They will also understand how to deal with fender-benders when mom and dad aren’t around to help.

The BMW-This is for anyone who drives a car that is worth more than the average income. Drivers will comprehend that just because they drive a fancy car, they still have to avoid balancing a Starbucks in one hand and holding their phone in the other. Parking will also be taught since valet is not available at AJ’s and the dry cleaners. Yet.

The Cougar Workshop-Cougar drivers will learn to apply makeup before they start their vehicle.  Batting eyelashes at young, fit police officers will not get them out of a ticket. Learn the rules of the road. And try not to wear leopard ever day.

I don’t think a 90 minute workshop will cure the bad drivers in Scottsdale. Just know you’re taking your life in your hands when you pull out of your driveway.

3 Responses to “Safe Driving Courses for Scottsdalians”

  1. Isabelle Gregson Says:

    She reminds me of my mother in law! 😉

  2. angela Says:

    This is funny! Very true, unfortunately. Scottsdale has their own breed of drivers for sure. I had one lady try to take out the side of my car in her big SUV at “Snottsdale” Fashion Square.

    This isn’t related to drivers, but a week before my wedding I got into a fight with a lady in Vicoria Secrets in the same mall. She ran over me with her baby carriage and didn’t say a word. You could have sold tickets to the fight in the underwear bin.

  3. Jean Rubin Says:

    Scottsdale is a very dangerous place. Just ask my mother. I love the bra-bin fight! For sure you would have won because she had fake nails!

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