After several weeks of putting off a shopping trip with my mother to Fashion Square, I set up an expedition. What a way to spend my Saturday afternoon! I’d rather be anywhere else.

I picked her up at Friendly Arms and could not believe what she was wearing. Usually she’s elegant, wearing a straw hat and matching shoes and bag. That’s her generation. Anyway, my mother was wearing a long, dark wig. It was obviously 50 years too young for her.

“Mom, what in the world is that on your head?” I folded up her cherry red walker into the trunk of my Volvo.

“Jean, haven’t you been reading in the paper about the burglaries? The thieves target mothers!”

Okay, I have been reading about a gang of housewives who look for busy moms who leave their purses in the car. I get it–stroller, kid diaper bag, cool pack, but why would any woman leave her purse in the car?

“Yes, mom I have, but they’re in Chandler. They break into cars at parks and day care centers while the moms aren’t paying attention.

“Jean, why would the mothers do that? I always tuck my purse into my armpit. No one wants to grab it from there.”

” Mom, what’s with the wig?”

“The thieves wear wigs when they try to cash the stolen checks!”

“But you’re not a thief.”

“I know that but if I look like one maybe they won’t be tempted to break into our car while we’re shopping. You know they will think I am one of them.”

“That is ridiculous. Mom there is no way I am going into the mall with a seventy-plus–I think it’s absurd you won’t let me say your age out loud–lady in a 20-year-old’s wig!”

Thirty minutes later it was apparent I had lost the argument. My mother, her wig and I shopped. Slowly. Very slowly.

While browsing the shoe department at Nordstrom’s with my Demi Moore wannabe-looking mother I ran into Glee with a friend. Glee looked fantastic in a tie-dyed turban and gold gauze. It was a bit awkward because my mother was bamboozling the handsome, young sales associate to bring out every pair of black sandals he could find that didn’t look old lady-ish.

I moved off to the side so we could be introduced.

“Oh, Jean, I’ve been dying to introduce you to my guardian angel.”

Now, Glee is a bit over the edge on the woo-woo stuff but I’m a spiritual person sometimes so I give her lots of room.

“I am very happy to meet an angel.”

Pretty, blond–aren’t all angels?–she started to say something but Glee interrupted.

“I just finished taking Doreen’s workshop. I have at least three angels. Maybe more.”

“Uh, Glee, I think I’d better hear about this later.”

“No problem. Isn’t your mother hot in that wig? She could use a fashion consultant. I know a good one.”

“Of course you do,” I muttered.

Who would have thought I would feel stressed at the mall with my mother? Just like a teenager again. I guess her wig aged both of us.



10 Responses to “Gangs of Be-wigged Housewives Invade!”

  1. Elizabeth Young Says:

    Hi Jean, what is it about mother’s that makes them/us the target of ridicule? I used to laugh at my mother and my children laugh at me? One time my kids went to visit their sister in University and filmed their sister opening some gifts I sent. One was an awesome box with: “I shared my legs for this?” on the top. It was VERY the daughter I sent it to. They all hooted and hollered, belly laughed and snorted – at ME. “That is so mum” my daughter said, and they all heartily agreed. Last Christmas I wored a red velour track suit which they also found hilarious. “But we LIKE finding you funny,” my daughter said. I sure can’t wait until she becomes a mother!

  2. Jean Rubin Says:

    My kids make fun of me all the time. Especially if they hear me multi-tasking by unloading.loading the dishwasher while I’m on the phone. In turn, I pick on Maury, my golf-obsessed, History Channel watching husband who supports all green causes. Whether they make any sense or not.

  3. Claire Vorster Says:

    Sounds like a mix of crazy and stressy all rolled into one trip to the Mall.

    Hope you have recovered!

    Claire

  4. Jean Rubin Says:

    There is no recovery from my mother unless it involves being on a beach very far away.

  5. MuMuGB Says:

    Hi there! I found you on She Writes. I like your post. My mum has also this amazing capacity to do very unexpected things. I drives me mad. Once she decided to cut her hair very short and dye it blonde. To look younger!

  6. Jean Rubin Says:

    That’s a trend in our family. Cut your hair…yourself and go blond so no one notices it’s uneven because they’re in shock over the color. Even my grandmother did it!

  7. Isabelle Gregson Says:

    Dear Jean, it’s pay back time for all those horrid horrid things you did to your mother as a teenager. You probably don’t remember but she (and the Greater Universe) obviously kept a list.

    Don’t worry though, in another 20 years or so, you’ll be able to do the same to the next generation. Apparently, it’s the top prize for making it to a grand old age.

    So keep up with the healthy living and make sure you keep that list up to date…

  8. Jean Rubin Says:

    Isabelle, I was a model teenager…except for the boys I sneaked into my room. Now my mother wants to do the same.

  9. Bella Says:

    I’m still giggling over this post! I’ve been fortunate enought that my mother hasn’t donned any wigs or get ups–yet! However, I wonder if I will ever cause my own children such anguish! 🙂

  10. Jean Rubin Says:

    I cannot make this stuff up! At least the Botox Bandit isn’t running around anymore. older people’s brains are like teenage brains–they don’t function properly. wait ’til your mom tells you she wants to buy sexy lingerie.

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