My Mother, the Jeweler

5:24 pm

After sitting in traffic for 45 minutes—I should have known not to drive north on the 101 during rush hour—I arrived to pick up my mother from Friendly Arms to take her to the doctor. To my surprise my mother came out with a new piece of jewelry.

“Mom, what is that around your neck?” I reached over to hold up her necklace for a closer look.
“Jean, I’m starting a new jewelry line out of all the pills the nurses try to make us take. I made this one myself. Do you like it?”
“This is Viagra! You can’t go walking around with this. Where did you get it anyway?” I looked at her with suspicion. Maybe she is having some fun since my dad passed. “I know these aren’t prescribed to you.”
“How do you know what they are?” She leans in closer. “Is Maury still–you know what I mean?”

“Mom! That’s personal.”

“Jean, I’m your mother. I’ve heard everything. What do you think goes on at senior living places? We have a few Lotharios and Jezebels here too!”

“Mom,” I say with firmness as I start the car, “where did you get this crazy idea?”

“A lady from California makes jewelry out of her unused pills to help pay for her medical bills. I think it’s a great idea. Look at the article.”

The car idles as I skim a newspaper article with scalloped edges because my mother cut it out with cuticle scissors. Susan Braig, a brave woman who survived cancer has a lot of unpaid bills. She had unused drugs from her treatment so she designed pendants, earrings and tiaras.

“I’ve been going around collecting pills from everyone,” says my mother.

“Mom, won’t the medications leak or melt? You know how hot it gets here.” Of course I’m thinking about Bernie, our doctor friend, who will be examining my mother in a few minutes and what he’ll think seeing a blue Viagra around her neck.
“Jean, you worry too much. I will wear my jewelry more than I carry my pills around with me. If I need my anti-nausea medicine I can just swallow my ring. Well, you know what I mean. What I really need help with is selling my drug jewelry. Will you help? Your friends, Glee and April, will love this stuff.”
I can’t believe my mother wants me to market medicinal jewelry. What will she come up with next? More Stressed in Scottsdale!

3 Responses to “My Mother, the Jeweler”

  1. annrohn Says:

    This is great. She is really funny.

  2. Barbara Webster Says:

    Marcia–I linked to this from shewrites and just wanted to say, “hilarious!” I so relate, having spent a few years “stressed in Springfield (VA)” over assisted living craziness with my own mother.

  3. Jean Rubin Says:

    Thank you for entering my crazy world! We have to laugh about the hilarity of technology, caring for elderly parents and dealing with families and careers. Or we’ll turn into a stress ball!

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