Besides the fact that Glee is insisting on wearing unrelieved black all the time–”Jean, I’ve gained weight so if I wear all black no one will notice I’ve gained a few pounds. I’m going on Kirtsie Alley’s natural organic amazing herbs after the holidays. John Travolta’s wife is on them, too, and lost all her baby weight at 39! They’ll peel right off me when I’m finished with a season of eggnog and foie gras.”
Glee loads up on all her jewelery to accessorize which is low in caloric count– six rings, chokers with necklaces and lots of bangles. I, on the other hand, am dealing with my outrageous mother.
My news-hound mother loves anything strange that emanates from Florida, her original residence. Either it makes her longs for the other bubbes she could commiserate with or it reminds her she’s glad she left. In this case it’s both.
It seems a number of denizens in the Miami area have come forward as victims of a buttocks-enhancing scam that involved injecting toxic household items,cement and automotive products like “Fix-A-Flat” into tushies. There’s an unmet demand to look like Kim Kardashian from the back. I cannot make this up. The perpetrator, Oneal Morris, sealed her work with Super Glue! Why didn’t I think of this?!
After my mother breathlessly shares this urgent information, she unloads, “And the fake 81-year-old breast doctor has been sentenced to 13 months in jail. He went door-to-door in my friend’s condo to do free exams!”
“Mom, who would disrobe for an octogenarian that appeared with a black bag? Very few doctors make house calls anymore let alone carry a bag! Especially since it was unsolicited. ”
“Jean, a lot of older people are vulnerable. They even let him do exams down there.” My mother stops to point to the lower half of her body. “Personally, I won’t remove my size 14 flesh-colored underwear for anyone. Even your father fought for permission. What if someone like him shows up here at Friendly Arms?”
“Mom, all the weird people are in Florida. We have desert perverts here who have better things to do like use false identities to get botox injections. No one’s looking for you to be naked except in your own shower.”