Jean Rubin

Tired from Stress in Scottsdale?

There’s a new syndrome invading the posh clubs, spas and expansive living rooms in Scottsdale and its environs. It’s effecting many women who give their all to their families and communities. It’s Stress Fatigue Syndrome and I’ve had it for years even if I didn’t know it. I admit  I get exhausted from feeding the troops, taking my mother to her podiatrist appointments, working on Maury’s political campaigns (ever since the eco-twit incident I’m not taking any chances with my slightly paunchy, myopic, ADD man) and working at my consulting business. There are forces at work who want to catapult us back to the 1950s and aprons.

Trust me, I am not going there!  April is convinced I have adrenal fatigue syndrome, a quack diagnosis that Maury says was made up to tell women they’re doing too much. When she described the symptoms it sounded like every woman I know–tired and a bit overwhelmed with a dose of malaise and weight gain. Hey, we have to blame it on something besides The Cheesecake Factory!

Even though the disorder is not recognized by endocrinologists or Dr. Andrew Weil, the guru of natural health, April says it has merit. She reads everything in Reader’s Digest and Prevention magazines as well as watches TV reality shows, a great resource for inaccurate information.

“Jean, I know what’s wrong with you.” I love it when my friends make a diagnosis.

“Really? What is it and how do you know?”

“Because I researched it on Wikipedia after I read an article at my salon–did I mention I’m adding more highlights to increase depth to the color?– and it says that modern life is so stressful, especially yours, that your walnut-sized adrenal glands that are supposed to help you cope with stress, are all petered out.”

“April, not everything you read online is true. And I’m not the only thing that’s petered out around here.”

“Well, I know you and I think you’re overboard. Didn’t you tell me you’ve been getting lightheaded and you’re having trouble keeping up?”

“Well, yes, but no one can keep up with my schedule. I’m going for the Scottsdale Multitasker of the Year Award.   Besides,those symptoms are pretty vague. I have a lot to do with my aging mother, Maury’s political proclivities and my kids’ demands. Rivka wants a belly cast, Michael’s still unemployed and Lara has decided to take a vegan cooking course so she can start a restaurant that only serves beans. Don’t you ever feel overwhelmed sometimes?

“No, never. Unless of course I’m going to be late for my nail appointment and the dogs have to be walked. I try to only do one thing a day.” She gasps for a moment and I can tell she’s eating one of her energy bars. She also only eats one meal a day too. Promise me you’ll get your saliva and blood tested for Stress Fatigue Syndrome. I just know you have it.”

April loves to be right ever since she figured out who murdered The Mouth.

“Did I tell you the people I suspect of having a drop house in my neighborhood are putting up a wall around their property? I know they must be doing something illegal!”

I’m relieved she’s off diagnosing me. “How do you know?”

“Because  they drive Mercedes with tinted windows.”

“Everyone in your neighborhood drives Mercedes or another luxury vehicle with tinted windows.”

“Yes, that’s true, but the new neighbors are the only ones with gold wheel covers.”

Fashionista Musings

The world is in serious shape and sometimes my frustration at not being able to do anything about it drives me crazy. It’s enough that there’s war, famine and natural disasters assaulting my senses daily, so I need a diversion. It only takes a little to put me over the edge–like the fact that half of  the legislators in our controversial state don’t believe in global warming–so sometimes I have to escape into Glee’s world.

Glee is back from her glamping trip–everything was first class–and she is focused on Fall fashion. Please let me remind you in case you haven’t left your house in weeks or you’re still hanging out in San Diego like April, it’s monsoon season here.

That means high temperatures embalmed in storms with excessive humidity. Just my kind of weather. I can barely lift my arms and legs because they’re stuck to the leather sofa. You can imagine my avid interest when Glee called to give me the latest fashion report.

“Jean, you have to come to a Fall preview with me. They’re showing fur, feathers and pantsuits! You’ll just love it! remember the matching quail feather boas we bought years ago? Well, we can wear them now!”

“Glee, I’m permanently stuck on my sofa and can’t imagine putting feathers around my chicken neck. That was for a costume not to wear in public. Besides, I don’t wear fur and if I’m understanding you, the newest trend will make me look like Hilary Clinton’s bad step-sister. Pantsuits? Are you sure that’s right?”

“For Heaven’s sake, you have to keep up. You can’t wear Birkenstocks and hippie skirts forever.”

“Why not? Even my mother has stopped criticizing me. Well, not completely. Anyway, pantsuits sound hot.”

“Well, I thought you wanted to keep up after your spa make-over but I can see you are rejecting my fashion advice.”

“No, I love you and your advice. I’m too stressed in Scottsdale to follow it. But, I promise, the first person I see in Trader Joe’s wearing a boa, I’ll run right home and put on mine.

“These aren’t the old pantsuits. This is an updated look with tuxedo jackets and a satin stripe down the side of the leg.”

“Glee, if I don’t look ridiculous enough, you want me to dress like a waiter spitting feathers?”

“Well, I’m just trying to help.”

An Environmental No-No

As lackadaisical as I am about the latest fashion trends, one piece of news did strike me as important. Parsons New School of Design (of “Project Runway” fame) is going to be the first school to be offering a course in zero waste. It seems a lot of fabric scraps are wasted making a garment. I can hear Tim Gunn saying now, “We’re going to Mood Fabrics and use the accessory wall wisely.”

So what garment creates the most waste? Jeans! A wardrobe staple for baby boomers and young people everywhere. Jeans are cited as the most wasteful and high polluting of all garments made not only because of the left over fabric but dyes, extra washings, energy, packaging and gallons of water used by consumers.

Students will learn how to use fibers that haven’t been hit with pesticides or fertilizers and make jeans with fewer pockets. American Apparel is making underwear from scraps. Denim underwear? Uh, I’m already itchy and  sweating.

A Funny Way to Live Longer

If I don’t laugh I’ll cry. We’ve all heard that expression. Ha! If I don’t laugh I’ll maim Maury. I didn’t say kill because that could land me in prison with an angry Bubbie with pencil-thin eyebrows and her girlfriends. I just want him to remember to close doors, turn off lights and put the kosher pickles back in the refrigerator. He totally stressed me out this week when he left early for work and left the front door wide open after he brought in the newspaper. Now I admit that our headlines are more distracting than other places because more than half the people running for public office in this election cycle don’t believe in global warming. However, it’s no excuse to leave me sleeping and inviting anyone who walks by to come in and visit. Yes, we always have cold beers available but I’m not wont to share them with strangers.

When I confronted him with his gross security negligence,  Maury said I shouldn’t take things so seriously because nothing happened since our neighbors or anyone else driving by knows there’s a harridan living at our address and that I needed to read the latest Norwegian study that tracked 70,000 people and found the ones who scored highest on the sense-of humor scale, live longer.

“Oh yeah? How do they test sense of humor? By having you tell them a doctor joke?” was my smart retort.

“No. Laughing relaxes the endothelium, the fragile lining of your arteries, to boost blood flow by 15 percent. It also melts stress and reduces cortisol, which I can see you sorely need.”

“And now you’re going to tell me that leaving the door open, searching for eyeglasses and keys and forgetting appointments is a good thing?”

“Jean, I’m just saying that you need to see the humor in your life.”

Right. While he creates hurricanes in my life.

High End Camping for the Scottsdale Crowd

Even Glee is feeling the effects of this economy. But I have to say she’s creative. Now April, who never has to worry because her husband Steve is a personal injury attorney and there are a plethora of people with low IQs here–I know this because we had to pass a “Stupid Motorist” law so people who drive through raging rivers and have to be rescued will be responsible–would rather stay home than go camping.

But not Glee. She went glamping recently with her new boyfriend who is also a life coach. In case you’re not familiar with the newest craze it’s camping, Scottsdale style. But for sports figures who cannot figure out what they’re going to do with huge amounts of money when their careers end prematurely or the affluent who realize they have to follow a budget, here’s a vacation idea! Glee and her honey drove to the High Country for a camping trip that included special air mattresses, champagne, gourmet food baskets, a trendy teepee instead of a leaky tent, portable toilets and mobile phone chargers. I didn’t mention the 500 count linens and place mats yet, did I?

“That’s not camping. That’s a luxury event at the Princess Hotel only outside,” I told her when she explained what glamping was.

“Jean, you have no idea how bonding with nature de-stresses the soul. Efraim and I felt so rejuvenated after a weekend of cutting our carbon footprint.”

“How much trash did you leave behind?”

“The glamping organizers dispose of all garbage by hauling it back to the Valley.”

“There are organizers?”

“Of course. You don’t think I could pack up all that stuff myself, do you?”