Jean Rubin Blog

Besides the fact that Glee is insisting on wearing unrelieved black all the time–”Jean, I’ve gained weight so if I wear all black no one will notice I’ve gained a few pounds. I’m going on Kirtsie Alley’s natural organic amazing herbs after the holidays. John Travolta’s wife is on them, too, and lost all her baby weight at 39! They’ll peel right off me when I’m finished with a season of eggnog and foie gras.”

Glee loads up on all her jewelery to accessorize which is low in caloric count– six rings, chokers with necklaces and lots of bangles. I, on the other hand, am dealing with my outrageous mother.

My news-hound mother loves anything strange that emanates from Florida, her original residence. Either it makes her longs for the other bubbes she could commiserate with or it reminds her she’s glad she left. In this case it’s both.

It seems a number of denizens in the Miami area have come forward as victims of a buttocks-enhancing scam that involved injecting toxic household items,cement and automotive products like “Fix-A-Flat” into tushies.  There’s an unmet demand to look like Kim Kardashian from the back. I cannot make this up. The perpetrator, Oneal Morris, sealed her work with Super Glue! Why didn’t I think of this?!

After my mother breathlessly shares this urgent information, she unloads, “And the fake 81-year-old breast doctor has been sentenced to 13 months in jail. He went door-to-door in my friend’s condo to do free exams!”

“Mom, who would disrobe for an octogenarian that appeared with a black bag?  Very few  doctors make house calls anymore let alone carry a bag! Especially since it was unsolicited. ”

“Jean, a lot of older people are vulnerable. They even let him do exams down there.” My mother stops to point to the lower half of her body. “Personally, I won’t remove my size 14 flesh-colored underwear for anyone. Even your father fought for permission. What if someone like him shows up here at Friendly Arms?”

“Mom, all the weird people are in Florida. We have desert perverts here who have better things to do like use false identities to get botox injections. No one’s looking for you to be naked except in your own shower.”

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Cheesecake is delicious. It’s a known fact in case you were wondering. The taste, the smell, the texture, the…calories? Okay, scratch that last one out.

As I was enjoying my fantasy of dessert at The Cheesecake Factory, Glee called with some unpleasant news. It seems with all these health and diet crazes, The Cheesecake Factory is going to be listing the calorie amounts of certain dishes on its menu.On the menu? Where everyone can see it?  Honestly, that’s mean.

“Jean, every morsel of guilty pleasure of their Godiva Cheesecake  adds an inch to your thighs and makes your belly jelly,” says Glee in her dogmatic fashion.

“I don’t care. Sometimes I need comfort food. Didn’t you read what Gail Sheehy said about middle-aged women? The majority are under high stress and 40 to 70 percent are in a depression..   “This midlife turnaround inspires hope or the study itself.”)

“And a piece of cheesecake will solve that?”  

“Listen, they did a 3 year study and we’re over the edge with taking care of everyone–kids, aging parents, ADHD husbands, jobs, menopause. My lists have lists.” As I tell her this my mother is calling me on my cell phone even though I’ve asked her to use my land line and leave a message. It buzzes incessantly in my shorts pocket.

“The menu is going to be called “SkinnyLicious.”

Is that supposed to be cute? Apparently it will offer dishes that are half the portion size. You can order your (NAME HER FAV–has to have choc!) and save calories!

I don’t like this idea at all! When treat myself  I want to relax, not worry about how many calories I consume with every bite. I watch my weight, but a girl’s gotta have some fun once in a while! My mother calls again on my cell.

“Glee, middle-aged women are struggling with the recession, no time to exercise, chronic health problems and depression. They’re gaining weight and you’re telling me to eat cheesecake?!”

“And you think cheesecake will make them feel better?”

“Hold on. Have to listen to my mother’s message.”

“Hello Jean? This is your mother. I have a coupon for the Cheesecake Factory, When can you take me?”

I repeat her message to Glee. ”You’d better hurry. The menu’s only until Septenber.”

Linkshttp://specials.msn.com/A-List/Health/Cheesecake-Factory-to-roll-out-calorie-cutting-menu.aspx?cp-documentid=29774063

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“Jean I’m going to get taller.”

Oh, not again. My mother has been having a hard time dealing with the fact that she’s getting old and shrinking. She doesn’t understand how it’s possible.  

“Okay Mom, whatever you say.”

“Jean, we can get taller together. I saw it on that morning show. This very nice looking young man took a class and did a bunch of those weird stretch exercises. What are those called?”

“Yoga.”

“No, that’s not it! Hmm…Anyways, he grew over an inch after 1 hour! Can you believe it?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I’m going to exercise like that and get taller.”

My mother proudly marches into the TV room where Maury’s watching the best of both worlds – a History Channel documentary on the history of golf.

My mother, exercising? I don’t see it. The only form of physical movement she gets is walking from one side of the room to the next. I overhear her chattering away to Maury about how this guy endured Anti-Gravity Yoga where he was hung upside down from the ceiling and did several poses.

Soon I begin to hear the narrator of the golf documentary more than my mother’s voice as Maury slowly turns the volume up higher and higher.

Yoga that makes you taller? You’re kidding. Well, I wouldn’t have to wear high heels anymore. And aren’t tall people skinnier than short people? That just might be worth the pain from doing the one-legged king pigeon pose for an hour.

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