that  Tuni’s back in town  promoting her new book about jail after serving a seven year prison sentence  (I cannot make this up!). I was with the author who satirized her in Boomerang: When Life Comes Back to Bite You, a best seller based on a scam that involved artifacts inspired by the Vatican. Or that the group of people she conned out of five to six million dollars have welcomed her back ( Glee can’t wait to have a luncheon for her!) because she is still very charming and a redhead whose chutzpah knows no boundaries. Ellis Sterling, her charismatic husband, has also arrived…

Or that Maury has Cabinet Blindness, a term I have diagnosed affecting all men over forty. It strikes with fervor when they look into a refrigerator or a pantry and can’t see what’s in front of them even with detailed descriptions.

“It’s to the left of the lettuce on the bottom shelf.”

“Which bottom shelf?”

“There’s only one bottom shelf in the refrigerator.” Unless you’re in a space ship and up is down.

Or that our local newspaper devoted an entire page to how wonderful the economy is inside Barney’s, one of Scottsdale‘s most upscale stores labeled as a “retail powerhouse.”  They recently hosted an event for the anorexic Olsen twins, because it doesn’t have “that uptight Palm Beach feel to it.” Whatever that is! I get loosey-goosey just thinking about $400 black T-shirts or $140 candles called “Un Gardenia la Nuit.”

Or that the heat is extending our ozone risk so much we’ve broken all records for the colorless pollutant that irritates  eyes, throats and causes damage to lung tissue over time, leaving people more susceptible to new infections as well as the warning from Benjamin Grumbles (I cannot make that name up!), director of the state agency who suggests we need year-round action to prevent smog.

It’s the laptops! That’s right! It’s laptops on people’s laps that can lead to “toasted skin syndrome!” The temperature in one case reached 125 degrees–almost an Arizona summer day! According to two Swiss researchers in Basel (I didn’t make that up either!), it can even lead to skin cancer. Using your laptop on your lap for men can lead to elevated scrotum temperatures that decreases sperm production which potentially leads to infertility.

That’s the scariest of all! Infertility from checking your Facebook account and tweeting all day! I knew there was something wrong with reporting what you ate or other mundane activities to the general population. I just knew it!

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People everywhere are stressing over money, but especially in Scottsdale. How do I know? Besides the fact that there are numerous articles (holiday stress) about personal financial crunches, there’s a large sign attached to a medical clinic in the fancy part of Scottsdale that says, “Walk In Botox $10. How’s a respectable doc supposed to make a living?

My greatest shock came, however, when Glee and April dragged me to Scottsdale Fashion Square to peruse the new Barneys, an upscale emporium of black clothes at jaw-dropping prices. The tough part was getting upstairs to see them. No escalators! Now I’m sure there’s a hidden elevator some where for the infirm and those with strollers but Scottsdale’s finest wouldn’t be caught there! Everyone traipses upstairs on a solid wood staircase showcased in the middle of the store. What that means is unless you have a personal trainer and your gluts are in great shape, you won’t make it. April sidled up the stairs in her Jimmy Choos like a pro; Glee rocked it in her leather boots and I hung onto the railing in my not-so-glamorous-but-very-comfortable Easy Spirits and tried to keep up.

The worst humiliation was when they took me into the med spa in the mall to learn about the Black Friday Special. $4  a shot for Botox. “Just think, Jean, you could get rid of the frown lines between your brows and for only another $50 (you’d save $150!) they’ll do a hair removal treatment under your arms!”

Please. Maury likes my worry lines and the few furry places I have left. Thanks but no thanks.

Kids Keep Coming Back

The stats are in! One-third of kids who moved out are back in with their baby boomer parents! That’s 20 million kids between 18 and 34 who are living in their old room. Friends, that is call for alarm! My friend, Marcia Fine, wrote a book called Boomerang–When Life Comes Back to Bite You and it’s scary. I remember when Michael moved home with Rivka and she was pregnant. I had friends who said, “Once they move home you’ll never get rid of them.” Well, it was a tough year but we made it, even though I labeled her “the daughter-in-law from hell. ” They just shuffled down the hall for dinner every night while Michael looked for a job, part of that 25% statistic who are unemployed. I devised ways to deal with a hot Jennifer Lopez devolving into an angry Rosie Perez.

Re-cycling Poop

My parents were the original recyclers with their drawers of rubber bands and plastic bags from the daily newspaper delivery. I watched them create a meal from left overs that were so old we forgot what the original meal was. They never threw anything away because “it was still good” and “had some use in it.” But they never thought of this idea! I’m glad my mother didn’t see this is the bizarre news section of the paper.

It seems the zoo in Bloomington with all those smart professors residing in town to attract holiday shoppers by offering $15 dried pendant necklaces of reindeer dung! I cannot make this up! Can you imagine the delightful surprise when your loved one opens a slightly stinky piece of environmentally friendly jewelry to wear with their favorite cashmere sweater? Besides the fact that 450 have already sold, they are sterilized and sprayed with glitter. I can’t wait!

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