“Jean, I’m a hoarder!”

That’s what my mother hit me with when she came for her typical visit.

“I can’t get rid of anything! And did you know 1 in 50; maybe even 1 in 20 people are hoarders? People in senior centers are hoarding like crazy!”

“Mom just because you’re living in an assisted living center doesn’t mean you’re a hoarder.”

“Hoarding is all we have to do at Friendly Arms!”

Hoarding seems to be the newest reality show obsession. There are real people who become so attached to their stuff that they can’t throw anything away, even if it’s garbage. These people often suffer from psychological problems. Come to think of it, my mother fits the description.

“Jean, Maury is a hoarder!”

“Mom what are you talking about?”

“All those gadget things he has. He has so many! Oh and what about your friends! The ones with all those fancy purses and shoes and clothes?”

My mom read in the paper that there have been several cases of hoarding in Scottsdale. There’s even a task force being put in place to help these people with their problem.

I roll my eyes as my mother wanders around the house mumbling to her self about how having cluttered living areas, non-discarded items, and a lot of stuff are the characteristics of hoarders. She’s counting my things, probably trying to figure out whether or not I’m a hoarder.

“Can you live with out this?” My mom calls from the other room.

No, probably not.

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“Jean! I’m going to be on TV!” Glee’s enthusiastic voice bursts into my car. I am on my way to the Apple store because Maury decided I couldn’t live without an iPad. Which is what he wanted. All husbands must do that–get you something you don’t want because they like it.

“Huh? Aren’t you already on TV?”

“Stop kidding around. This is a new reality show that’s looking for people who ‘reign supreme in the social scene.’ That’s me! I’m part of the Scottsdale elite!”

“Glee, don’t those mushroom brains reveal everything about their personal and professional lives on those shows? You can’t be serious.” My daughter-in-law, Rivka, is texting me: Kids vomiting. Can u come over?

“I am very serious. One good reality show and you can be famous! Look at that slut on “Jersey Shore”. I’d bring some class to the venue.” I stop at a red light and text back: Call Maury.

“Wait a minute. I read about this. They want people between the ages of 21 and 30. Uh, Glee–you haven’t seen those numbers in decades.”

“No one knows that. I look much younger since I started on the hormone injections, B-12 shots and Latisse. Besides, Scottsdale is the next South Beach. The guy running it, Doron Ofir, used to work with Ben Quayle.”

Doron Ofir is responsible for this?! And it may be coming to Scottsdale?!

“Glee! That newly elected congressman who’s the son of a former VP who can’t spell has a scandal following him around. Doron Ofir started a dirty blog in Scottsdale that degrades women. You can’t do this!” I feel my sense of justice and fairness being riled up.

“Oh Jean, no one pays attention to that. It was a silly blog that college kids use to torture each other. The starring couple is supposed to be Nick Richie and his wife, Shayne Lamas. Maybe I’ll get to meet Lorenzo!”

Now that would be some drama–how many boyfriends Glee can go through in a season. Watching the hoi polloi of Scottsdale might actually relieve some of my stress!

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It always struck me as odd to find someone you met online and fall in love. Wasn’t it not too long ago that they were warning us about people not being who they really are online? Even my mother weighed in on the issue.

“Jean, what’s wrong with these people going out on dates with people they meet on their computer? They could be purse-snatchers or muggers.”

“Mom, purse-snatchers go to shopping malls. They’re not looking online.”

The buzz about online dating begins with pressure being taken off of meeting someone face-to-face. You can actually control your first impression! Don’t like what they said? Easy. Delete. If only I could have done this in real life during my dating years, it would have saved me from some really bad blind dates, including the guy who abandoned me in his car while he searched for water to give a dog tied up outside a restaurant and showed up thirty minutes later. Or the one who took me to see his cadaver at the medical school. And my mother thought he’d be such a good catch because he was a doctor!

I am beginning to think that online dating might work. The new trend is about how you can go on virtual dates! The guy can take you to a virtual coffee shop or bowling alley and you chat with each other during the date. I’m a terrible bowler so he wouldn’t be impressed with my skills.

If the guy doesn’t want to fork out a few dollars to spend wining and dining in Scottsdale maybe virtual dating might work. Virtual dates also mean that women don’t have to worry about the hours of work it takes to get ready before a big night out.

I happen to notice that Glee is always checking her emails with her new fancy smart phone. So I asked her about it.

“Glee, are you dating someone online?”

“What? Of course not! Well, actually, I’m dating a few people.”

“Are you serious? How does that work?”

“They pick me up like a regular date only we’re online at the same time. They pick exotic locations, wonderful restaurants and unique methods of transportation.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“No, last week I went with Fabio on a romantic gondola ride in Virtual Venice. Then Pierre and I had a virtual dinner at the top of the Virtual Eiffel Tower. Next week I’m meeting Alexander for virtual snorkeling in the Virtual Greek Islands. I have a fabulous bathing suit picked out.”

“But, Glee, you’re not even going to get it wet!”

“Of course not. It costs $200 and has fake gold coins all over the bodice. They’d rust if I wore it in the water.”

“That’s right, I forgot. Cougars don’t like to get wet.”

If that’s how dates transpire then maybe it can be love at first sight. I’ll be lucky if I can get Maury away from the golf channel to go out for pizza!

To purchase any of the Jean Rubin Satire please visit Marciafine.com

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My friends, Glee and April, decided to have a holiday party together. Glee, of course, celebrates everything and April is a cafeteria Catholic with a Jewish spouse so she’s not sure what’s up. It doesn’t matter. Whatever holiday you have in mind, she can shop for it. And every occasion requires some form of jewelry. Just like every party has a gimmick.

The event was a Potini Party. “What’s that,” you ask? It’s where you serve mashed potatoes in a martini glass and then have all kinds of toppings for them like sour cream, butter, chives, bacon bits and shredded cheeses.

Maury: Why the hell am I eating potatoes in a martini glass?”

Me: Sssh! Someone will hear you.

Maury: Is this some kind of nonsense trend that’s supposed to fill me up? Every time I dig my fork in some of the sour cream dribbles down the outside.

Me: Maury! The girls worked very hard on this.

Maury: Is the rest of the dinner in martini glasses too? Because if it is–”

Me: As a matter of fact, there’s a main-tini with cous cous and toppings, a seafood ‘tini with shrimp and a desser-tini with chopped chocolate bars.

Maury: Who makes this stuff up? What happened to a nice piece of meat on a plate with a fork and knife?

Me: Stop being a curmudgeon and eat your dinner.

Nostalgia Drinking

As if Baby Boomers didn’t miss their youth enough, two high school friends who reunited on Facebook, have started a company that serves up Adult Chocolate Milk. That’s a mixture of your favorite childhood drink with 40 proof vodka in a fancy bottle that sells for $18-23.

Why do we need this you ask? Because we’re stressed!

Where can you buy it? At every hip club in Scottsdale and Bev-Mo.

How has this become a trend so fast? Because every mother started doing it when the kids wouldn’t go to bed.

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People make their fortunes in such interesting ways. Some build empires with food products like the Goldwaters, others have huge personalities like Oprah, and some write about sucking blood. Personally, I’m over vampires since Anne Rice took me on a scary journey years ago. I mean, how much money can you make from getting teenagers to buy into a vampire phenomenon that includes more than black fingernails and elongated teeth? Besides the books, there’s movies, TV shows, clothes. Yes, I’m talking about Stephanie Meyer, a Gilbert housewife with three kids who likes scrap booking and the industry her imagination of pale, creepy faces has wrought.

It’s even a new genre: “suspense romance horror comedy.”

The scoop is her new home is a 8,770-square-foot $4,425,000 mansion in Scottsdale on the Desert Mountain-Chiricahua Golf Course. Paid for with cash. But that’s not all.  They still own the $7.2 million dollar new home on five acres they bought last year on the other side of Desert Mountain. Maybe they run across the golf courses late at night between their two houses and count bedrooms where creepy people go berserk for blood. I don’t know. Personally, watching Maury waking up in the morning is as frightened as I want to get.

However, I think if that’s all they’ve spent on dwellings, they’re on a tight budget…considering she makes more than $50 million a year with over 100 million copies in distribution around the world!

Of course Glee has met the author at a dinner party. She says she’s very down-to-earth and just wants to stay in her dark room, making up more stories about neck-biting, hot abstinent-prone teens and scary transformations.

Why didn’t I think of that?

DNA Tells the Tail

Glee has adjusted to high-rise condo life since her divorce. She’s dropped Rob, the young and shallow stud, for a professor! A hot science instructor with patents!

“Cougars are so over,” she told me. “I like older men now.”

“But this guy isn’t older. he’s your age,” I stammered.

“Well, he doesn’t know that!”

So when Glee’s new cock-a-poo was accused unjustly of leaving her personal calling card in the elevator among other inappropriate places, Dr. Doody came to the rescue!

After numerous notices and threats from the Home Owner’s Association, the suggestion was made to check the dogs’ DNA in the building. With an assessment, of course. HOAs love assessments.

The idea is not original. In Baltimore every dog and guest who visits Scarlett Place is swabbed for a DNA sample. The owners pay $50 for this privilege. There’s an added $10 per pooch to cover the expense of having staff scoop the poop and send it to be analyzed.

If it’s your dog, you’re out $500! That’s expensive s***!

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My friend, Glee, has a finance coach, a fitness coach, a book coach (yes, she’s writing a self-help book) and now a dating coach. I’m from a generation that remembers coaches as someone who blew a whistle during a physical education class and had sweaty armpits. Now middle-aged people, that’s 35-55, folks, who are single can hire Joann Cohen from Gilbert. AZ or they can take one of her Flirting 101 classes. Ms. Cohen is making an industry out of getting people together. My mother would call her a yenta, but this woman is smart! She starting her mixers all over the country and she’s developing an online dating service.

First people take the Flirting 101 class or they can attend one of her events. She has special ones to introduce woman of a certain age to younger men. Joann says they’re M.E.O.W. Mixers. People have a lot of judgment about cougars. I think you should be able to be with whomever you want to, but some people think the man should be older. By the way, we’re not supposed to use the word cougar anymore. Joann says it’s Men Enjoying Older Women.

Anyway, Glee met Rob at one of Joann’s mixers and she likes him. Although she’s self-conscious about him looking younger.

A Kiss Can Be Deadly

The smart, professorial types down in Tucson, especially the ones with a wry eye toward politics, say Chagas disease is carried by “kissing bugs”. This disease can kill tens of thousands of the inhabitants in Central and South America. People who sleep in mud huts or thatched houses are at high risk because they like body warmth and hot breath. Sounds like a few men I dated. Anyway, Carolina Reisenman, a University of Arizona research biologist, got people to collect the bugs so she could test their DNA. Forty percent carried Chagas.

Now you may not find this bizarre news interesting but for my mother it is another reason to be paranoid. “Jean, did you see the paper?”

Reading the newspaper is one of the mother-daughter bonds we have. We read the paper and then discuss  articles or the editorials. I knew immediately which article she meant because the paper’s thin and she doesn’t read the sports or business sections. She likes weather and crime a lot.

“Jean,I don’t have enough to stress about? Now there’s bugs that kiss us  and we die? ”

“Mom, don’t worry. You won’t get it and you won’t die.”

“Why not?”

“Because you live in Scottsdale. We don’t have any mud huts here.”

“I just as soon check out now and join your father. Before I have bunion surgery.”

Mayor Becomes Fashion Consultant

In Scottsdale, the most fashionable of cities, Mayor Jim Lane is asking Scottsdale residents to dress western on Wednesdays in February to celebrate the Parada del Sol, a parade, rodeo and festivities that have been happening for 57 years. April called to tell me she’s going to wear her designer jeans, a silk cowboy shirt and cowboy boots when she goes to the bank. She said, “If we all dress western,” which in my case means unfashionable jeans, a bandanna (which my mother hates–”Jean, women with style wear scarves.”) and Birkenstocks, “the tourists will think they’re in a real western town.” And so they are. We’ve just glitzed it up a bit.

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I believe in the Second Amendment that we all have the right to bear arms. But without a concealed weapon permit? In a popular restaurant or bar when it’s loaded? With cougars stalking the night? That’s right! Welcome to new legislation parading through our state government and a governor who thinks it’s a good idea! So not only are we at the bottom of educational rankings, we’re near the top for having the fewest restrictions against firearms. In five years we could have the most heavily-armed, least educated population in the United States. That could give me major stress.

I’m doing my best to get a clear picture of this. We’re setting it up so criminals can buy guns unimpinged by silly laws that want to keep guns out of their hands. That means if an altercation starts you won’t know if the person next to you might pull out a weapon and shoot you. What fun! I can’t wait to take my paranoid mother out for a holiday occasion and have her ask me, “Jean, that man has a gun on his hip. Is he going to hold-up the restaurant? Watch my purse.” or “We never had criminals advertising in Florida.” Or “I absolutely won’t tolerate a man sitting next to me with a weapon. Tell him to put it away right now!”  I know the Scottsdale Babes like the idea of women totin’ but I bet they’ll have some objections to guns as the newest fashion accessory when someone gets hurt fighting over the Nordstrom half-off sale.

Are There Single Cool Men Out There Over Fifty?

I accompanied Glee to a networking event. She wanted to go because she’s always promoting one of her ventures: yoga, coaching or pregnancy belly casts. She did the latter for Lara who has one hanging in her living room sprayed orange and gold. Do not even think about what my mother had to say about it! Even though Glee has Rob as her new eye candy, she’s looking around for something better. Rob is young and Glee has decided to scan the horizon for a more appropriately aged guy.

We met realtors, mortgage brokers and technology marketing people. A smart-looking guy with an electrified hairdo said he installs “cookies” in computers after following what websites  people check out. I told him I’m of the generation that remembers when “cookies” were something you put in your bra to create cleavage. He looked embarrassed.

Anyway, Glee approached a few guys with some silver in their hair and checked back in with me. “They’re all married,” she lamented. The other ones in my age-range have pot-bellies and style issues. I told her she could get them on a fitness regime and change their wardrobe. “I can handle the thinning hair because they can shave their head and look cool but eyeglass shopping to cure a nerd is a major project.”

“Hey, wait a minute. The guy could be a good, sweet, smart person inside. You can’t be that shallow,” I told her.

She said, “I just don’t have time for a major make-over. All my bio-identical hormones could wear off and my skin could re-sag by the time I finish. Any unattached fit guy in his 50s can have his pick of women or he has a deficiency and no one wants him.” So much for the 50+ dating scene.

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Only in our fair city will you find society photos of two beautiful blonds who still have smile lines at an event called “Botox and Baubles.” A local med spa raised funds for charity and featured the lovelies where I’m sure the raffle tickets earned a prize of a fresh vial of the injectable. Botox is big business in Scottsdale so the hint that it might create a tax sent my friends, April and Glee, apopleptic. That idea is moot now because they’re going to pick on tanning salons instead but there is a price war going on in spas all over the city. One med spa has a sign advertising “Walk-in Botox $10″ and others online list a vial at $3! For the price of a coffee you can return to work with a frozen face. You can even compare prices all over the U.S.!

Now that fifty is the new forty cougars are creating lots of traffic for the procedure. Glee explains, “I’m vibrant, smart, independent and well-traveled. Why shouldn’t I have a youthful man who’s fit and not intimidated by success? Part of that means I have to look young.” I agree with her but I don’t want her to look foolish either.

Glee and April dragged me to a Lip Reading spa event in Scottsdale  under the guise that it would reveal hidden parts of my personality. Of course I thought it had to do with not hearing well and reading mouth movements instead of getting a hearing aid. It turned out to be a Botox Party with entertainment. A serious looking woman with  bangs had us kiss a card three times and then she analyzed it. Now I still read my horoscope every morning even though Maury says astrology is junk science. Even though I had strong skeptical doubts about the veracity of the information I listened to what she had to say about our puckers.

First of all, I don’t know how any information could be accurate even if it really does reveal your inner personality.  April and Glee haven’t seen the original shape of their lips for years. They’ve been collagened, peeled and injected with unknown substances so many times I forget what they looked like originally. Except when I pull out old photos when our kids were in pre-school. Our expert told April her Cupid’s Bow means that she’s a good negotiator. I would say that’s accurate because she’s married to a personal injury attorney and has probably earned a law degree just living with him. She told Glee her lip imprint meant she had good communication skills and high energy.

Does stress show on my lips? What would she say about me? That my lips are on the large side so I’m a big communicator (which means I’m fresh and outspoken) and my imprint showed white lines (because I haven’t been enhanced) which mean they’re from stress because I have gerbil wheels spinning in my head. I knew that.

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I know my friends missed me because I had lots of phone messages and emails asking about my stress levels. That’s what vacations are for. They’re supposed to alleviate stress. But I’ll come to that in a minute. First, as we passed through Miami the big news was about Carnival Cruise Lines canceling their Cougar Cruises.  Now I know some of you are devastated by this news. It seems that a rowdy bunch got too frisky with the cubs, including the staff! No one was safe from these women. A few of Glee’s friends are really scary with their extra long French-manicured nails, heavy perfume and thigh high boots. There should be a rule that if you’re over fifty you’re not allowed to dress like a vampy twenty-year-old. But, let’s face it. there aren’t enough pre-geriatric men to go around. Let me be clear: There’s nothing wrong with a man that’s 10, 15, okay maybe 20 years your junior. Women are just doing what men have done for years. But what got into the President of Northern Ireland’s wife who had an affair with a 19-year-old four decades younger and gave him $80,000 in government money? Okay, check it out: she’s cute and he’s sort-of hot, but risk everything for a kid with pimples? Time for an ego alignment!

Traveling with Toilet Paper

So where does a husband with leftist leanings take his wife when he decides he wants a vacation? To Cuba, of course! And what’s in Cuba? We didn’t know because our country has had sanctions against them for more than fifty years. Maury thought he should check in on a country that has more doctors per capita than any other country in the world. So I tagged along to learn why we shouldn’t trade, speak or know about these dangerous people. Little did I know I wouldn’t see a toilet seat or a roll of toilet paper for a week. That can give a woman who’s a member of the TWB Club (Teeny Weeny Bladder Club) a lot of stress.

We visited hospitals, clinics and schools. It was very interesting, especially since I was able to visit writers and artists. We had a translator with us named Jesus, which in a country of strict separation of church and state led to endless jokes about weather requests. We even took the requisite salsa lesson and made fools of ourselves. The Cuban people are warm, beautiful, friendly and they have liquid bodies. The women are also all born with cleavage.

My conclusion is that I am glad to be home. I loved learning about the Afro-Cuban culture. I appreciated the people I met, but I missed my silly friends and I’m relieved I don’t have to take a supply of toilet paper with me everywhere.

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Glee says she’s proud to be on the cougar team. At a recent gathering of well-preserved women over 40 at a downtown Scottsdale hot spot,  the topic was men. men, men. The women attending  like to date younger ones known as cougar cubs. The media leads us to the believe that women who prefer men ten or more years younger than themselves are blond, over-sexed and  assertive. I’m not sure that’s true but Glee is all of those .

Glee said she met a woman who was not part of the well-preserved stereotype. It seems a lovely plump grandmother (most of them are!) in sensible shoes decided to show up and see what all the fuss was about. She identified herself as a big reader and sci-fi fan. Not all the men in Scottsdale are stereotypes either. Sure some men padded in wearing Italian loafers, designer jeans and untucked silk shirts with tufts of sexy, dark chest hair. (Maury’s is getting silver.) However, two guys wearing glasses and Issac Asimov T-shirts showed up to debate the merits of Orson Scott Card and Frank Herbert, the top two sci-fi authors. A heated debate ensued and the grandma with the sensible shoes shuffled out with one on each arm.

Glee said she attended to make contacts for her coaching business as well as take a look at the competition. “Women need to get their life in balance so the right man appears. I’m a great coach for that. besides, younger men are so much more fun.” When I repeated all this to Maury, he reminded me that recent data from ScientificMatch.com says biology proves people are attracted to the natural body odors of others. I say she should sniff every man she meets.

Scottsdale Has Another Scandal

April’s CPA has been arrested for fraud because he stole from his clients. Poor judgment to involve the wife of the top litigator in town. Her husband, Steve, a Personal Injury attorney,  might inflict some personal pain when he catches up with this guy. How much is the errant accountant accused of stealing? Oh, not too much.

He’s responsible for an $82 million real-estate Ponzi scheme according to Scottsdale police reports. What better place to find marks than Scottsdale and its close, even more upscale neighbor, Paradise Valley?  He also told his clients he made payments to the IRS for them and had them write checks to him personally. I bet when he was hatching the plan he thought it was a clever scam. How could this guy think he wasn’t going to get caught?

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