“Jean! I’m going to be on TV!” Glee’s enthusiastic voice bursts into my car. I am on my way to the Apple store because Maury decided I couldn’t live without an iPad. Which is what he wanted. All husbands must do that–get you something you don’t want because they like it.

“Huh? Aren’t you already on TV?”

“Stop kidding around. This is a new reality show that’s looking for people who ‘reign supreme in the social scene.’ That’s me! I’m part of the Scottsdale elite!”

“Glee, don’t those mushroom brains reveal everything about their personal and professional lives on those shows? You can’t be serious.” My daughter-in-law, Rivka, is texting me: Kids vomiting. Can u come over?

“I am very serious. One good reality show and you can be famous! Look at that slut on “Jersey Shore”. I’d bring some class to the venue.” I stop at a red light and text back: Call Maury.

“Wait a minute. I read about this. They want people between the ages of 21 and 30. Uh, Glee–you haven’t seen those numbers in decades.”

“No one knows that. I look much younger since I started on the hormone injections, B-12 shots and Latisse. Besides, Scottsdale is the next South Beach. The guy running it, Doron Ofir, used to work with Ben Quayle.”

Doron Ofir is responsible for this?! And it may be coming to Scottsdale?!

“Glee! That newly elected congressman who’s the son of a former VP who can’t spell has a scandal following him around. Doron Ofir started a dirty blog in Scottsdale that degrades women. You can’t do this!” I feel my sense of justice and fairness being riled up.

“Oh Jean, no one pays attention to that. It was a silly blog that college kids use to torture each other. The starring couple is supposed to be Nick Richie and his wife, Shayne Lamas. Maybe I’ll get to meet Lorenzo!”

Now that would be some drama–how many boyfriends Glee can go through in a season. Watching the hoi polloi of Scottsdale might actually relieve some of my stress!

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It always struck me as odd to find someone you met online and fall in love. Wasn’t it not too long ago that they were warning us about people not being who they really are online? Even my mother weighed in on the issue.

“Jean, what’s wrong with these people going out on dates with people they meet on their computer? They could be purse-snatchers or muggers.”

“Mom, purse-snatchers go to shopping malls. They’re not looking online.”

The buzz about online dating begins with pressure being taken off of meeting someone face-to-face. You can actually control your first impression! Don’t like what they said? Easy. Delete. If only I could have done this in real life during my dating years, it would have saved me from some really bad blind dates, including the guy who abandoned me in his car while he searched for water to give a dog tied up outside a restaurant and showed up thirty minutes later. Or the one who took me to see his cadaver at the medical school. And my mother thought he’d be such a good catch because he was a doctor!

I am beginning to think that online dating might work. The new trend is about how you can go on virtual dates! The guy can take you to a virtual coffee shop or bowling alley and you chat with each other during the date. I’m a terrible bowler so he wouldn’t be impressed with my skills.

If the guy doesn’t want to fork out a few dollars to spend wining and dining in Scottsdale maybe virtual dating might work. Virtual dates also mean that women don’t have to worry about the hours of work it takes to get ready before a big night out.

I happen to notice that Glee is always checking her emails with her new fancy smart phone. So I asked her about it.

“Glee, are you dating someone online?”

“What? Of course not! Well, actually, I’m dating a few people.”

“Are you serious? How does that work?”

“They pick me up like a regular date only we’re online at the same time. They pick exotic locations, wonderful restaurants and unique methods of transportation.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“No, last week I went with Fabio on a romantic gondola ride in Virtual Venice. Then Pierre and I had a virtual dinner at the top of the Virtual Eiffel Tower. Next week I’m meeting Alexander for virtual snorkeling in the Virtual Greek Islands. I have a fabulous bathing suit picked out.”

“But, Glee, you’re not even going to get it wet!”

“Of course not. It costs $200 and has fake gold coins all over the bodice. They’d rust if I wore it in the water.”

“That’s right, I forgot. Cougars don’t like to get wet.”

If that’s how dates transpire then maybe it can be love at first sight. I’ll be lucky if I can get Maury away from the golf channel to go out for pizza!

To purchase any of the Jean Rubin Satire please visit Marciafine.com

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I confess, I didn’t know about cougars until Glee became one looking for companionship with younger, hotter men. When I asked her what they talk about she burst out laughing. “But,” I protested, “you might want to have a conversation some time.” She said, “That’s why I have girlfriends and belong to a book club.” That said, she dragged me off to a taboo women’s symposium at Scottdale‘s Mondrian hotel ( can use link here) in their Red Bar put on by two men who claimed to be relationship experts and life coaches.

To protect the identity of the guilty we were allowed to put fake names on our names tags. As if everyone in Scottsdale doesn’t know everyone else. Maury says that if we take away all the old people and the cowboys there’s only a few of us left. Anyway, many of the women used stripper names. Glee, whose public persona is everywhere, adopted Evil Jungle Princess and I chose B. Kini. Okay, mine’s not great but I didn’t know I’d have to think. At any rate, these women let it all hang out. The big topic was “sexpectations” and let me tell you, some of these women could scare a man right out of his undies.

Lock Up Your Appliances in Scottsdale

My mother is paranoid about everything–her posessions (“Don’t ever tell anyone what you have, especially your art.” “But, mom, you own 3 Chagall rpints of flying rabbis. No opne wnts those.”), information (“Jean, don’t tell that young man we’re going out for lunch. He could rob my apartment.” “But, mom, he’s doesn’t know where you live.” “Never mind.”), and her purse,whose content are comprised of 2 pairs of reading glasses from Costco, 3 embroidered hankies and a change purse with $1.49 .

So when I saw an article in the Scottsdale section of the paper accompanied by 3 suspects having a very bad hair day about appliances, it stopped me. I prayed my mother wouldn’t see it. But, true to form, she scoured the news and called me to announce that thetre have been 10 appliance thefts in Scottsdale. I cannot make this up. The thieves have given up on purse snatching and have decided to go after my mother’s refrigerator filled with yogurt and suppositories. She was in a complete panic and wanted to know if Maury could come over and bolt down her fridge and “microrange.” I explained they were going to vacant homes but she insisted she’s going to be hiding her toaster behind her white go-go boots that Lara’s been coveting in the back of her closet. Give me strength.

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