People make their fortunes in such interesting ways. Some build empires with food products like the Goldwaters, others have huge personalities like Oprah, and some write about sucking blood. Personally, I’m over vampires since Anne Rice took me on a scary journey years ago. I mean, how much money can you make from getting teenagers to buy into a vampire phenomenon that includes more than black fingernails and elongated teeth? Besides the books, there’s movies, TV shows, clothes. Yes, I’m talking about Stephanie Meyer, a Gilbert housewife with three kids who likes scrap booking and the industry her imagination of pale, creepy faces has wrought.

It’s even a new genre: “suspense romance horror comedy.”

The scoop is her new home is a 8,770-square-foot $4,425,000 mansion in Scottsdale on the Desert Mountain-Chiricahua Golf Course. Paid for with cash. But that’s not all.  They still own the $7.2 million dollar new home on five acres they bought last year on the other side of Desert Mountain. Maybe they run across the golf courses late at night between their two houses and count bedrooms where creepy people go berserk for blood. I don’t know. Personally, watching Maury waking up in the morning is as frightened as I want to get.

However, I think if that’s all they’ve spent on dwellings, they’re on a tight budget…considering she makes more than $50 million a year with over 100 million copies in distribution around the world!

Of course Glee has met the author at a dinner party. She says she’s very down-to-earth and just wants to stay in her dark room, making up more stories about neck-biting, hot abstinent-prone teens and scary transformations.

Why didn’t I think of that?

DNA Tells the Tail

Glee has adjusted to high-rise condo life since her divorce. She’s dropped Rob, the young and shallow stud, for a professor! A hot science instructor with patents!

“Cougars are so over,” she told me. “I like older men now.”

“But this guy isn’t older. he’s your age,” I stammered.

“Well, he doesn’t know that!”

So when Glee’s new cock-a-poo was accused unjustly of leaving her personal calling card in the elevator among other inappropriate places, Dr. Doody came to the rescue!

After numerous notices and threats from the Home Owner’s Association, the suggestion was made to check the dogs’ DNA in the building. With an assessment, of course. HOAs love assessments.

The idea is not original. In Baltimore every dog and guest who visits Scarlett Place is swabbed for a DNA sample. The owners pay $50 for this privilege. There’s an added $10 per pooch to cover the expense of having staff scoop the poop and send it to be analyzed.

If it’s your dog, you’re out $500! That’s expensive s***!

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The Borgata in Scottsdale, an open-air shopping center modeled after the Italian village of San Gimignano, features turrets, towers and tomatoes. Glee says we should all be eating organic like Oprah. I usually point out to her that Oprah has a chef to shop and chop for her. I have Maury, an ADD husband who doesn’t cook and wouldn’t be able to identify a Roma from a heritage. Anyway, on Fridays from now until the Spring our lovely European emporium will feature a farmer’s market with tomatoes, squash, olives and honey from local growers. We definitely support anyone who thinks they can grow food in the desert! I think I’ll mosey over there this week in my Birkenstocks, the best shoes for cobblestones, and watch some of the Scottsdale babes balance on their Jimmy Choos.

Falling Off Your Pole

In case you didn’t know, many clubs in Scottsdale have installed poles. Yes, that kind of pole. It seems some women want to show off their expertise after taking “exercise” classes that give them the experience of their first pole dance. Now my friend April already moves like a stripper so she’s not a candidate. It seems her neighbor’s daughter, and let me tell you, April knows everything about everybody in her Scottsdale neighborhood, fell off her pole. She’s a well-developed young woman who shimmied ten feet to the top with the encouragement of her friends and four Cosmos, only to have a piece of the ceiling break away causing her to land on the floor. She wasn’t seriously injured but April says she’s stressed in Scottsdale. Falling off her pole has left her with a sore shoulder, a bruised ego and laughing friends.

Scottsdale Cuisine and Edible Spa Treatments

Now I’m not totally unsophisticated about fine dining, but there are items on menus nowadays I can’t identify. The new restaurant at the Boulders Spa serves sunchoke soup, forbidden rice, garbanzo pancakes, Meyer lemon chervil gremolata, tea-soaked salmon, ancho-dusted sirloin and lemon-thyme sorbert. What happened to a sandwich and a salad? Worse, Glee says the new trend for spa treatments includes chocolate foot massages, caviar facials and milk-and-honey massages. Maury and my dog, Amber, would want want to lick me all over if I tried any of those.

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