All it takes is a little bit of power and money and celebrity politicians in silk suits think they can get whatever they want. Before you know it we’ll have Charlie Sheen or Jesse James as a head of state.

How did the conversation start between those two? “Buona notte, I’m Silvio. I run a country in my free time. Can I buy you a drink?”

Ridiculous. I love how all the news articles state that she earns money through spurious activities. Does it really make a difference what her profession is since she is obviously underage?

Finally, the women have had enough! Millions of grandmothers, mothers, and daughters are marching in the streets of Rome for Berlusconi to resign.  Oh, how I would have love to be there, even if it meant I had to go with my mother, who, by the way, has a lot to say on this topic.

“Jean, I want to go to Italy.”

“Mom, today? I thought your bunions were bothering you. We have a four o’clock appointment with your podiatrist. Maury’s having a Green Party meeting here tonight to discuss the bypasses built for bighorn sheep and Lara’s decided to have a chemical peel and needs me to pick her up from the aesthetician. She says she’s a strange shade of brown.”

“I don’t care. I want to go to Italy.”

“What for? We can get you a good pizza at Grimaldi’s.”

“Jean, I’ve had it. Men have been taking advantage of women for centuries. It’s time we stood up, put a stop to it and started marching. It’s disgusting he’s had so many affairs, especially with someone so young.”

“But, Mom, Berlusconi isn’t our President and your bunions would start to bleed after a block.”

“I’ll wear my support stockings and sensible shoes.”

I can only imagine the all day flight to Italy.

“Mom, why are you dressed like you’re going to a funeral?”

“Because that’s what Italian women do. They dress in black for the rest of their lives after they become widows.”

“But Dad passed away a few years ago. You haven’t worn all black since then.”

“I want to show my solidarity with all the women who have ever been cheated on by a conniving man.”

“But Dad was loyal and faithful to you for fifty years.”

“That’s true, but how do I know what he’s doing now?”

Mom, he’s in heaven with angels who don’t screw around. Besides, don’t you think the black lace mantilla is a bit much?”

Anyway, if men in their seventies want very young girlfriends they should understand they can go to jail for that. And, my mother wants to give them a piece of her mind.

To purchase any of the Jean Rubin Satire please visit Marciafine.com

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Japan has lost its old people. A recent report states 234,354 centenarians have disappeared. Vaporized into an early rapture? Lost in the neighborhood? Down the drain because they shriveled up? None of the above! A government survey has found that the majority would be over 120 years old (I know Glee says the lack of meat in their diet is why they live so long but with genetically engineered corn, tomatoes, potatoes, alfalfa and now salmon I have my doubts) and 884 of them would be 150. That’s really old!

Now, I realize exercise, organic food, supplements, hormone replacement therapy and  a few surgical enhancements in Scottsdale has stretched our population to its limits, but no one is 150 years old. Even if they might look like it when they smash their grocery basket into mine at Trader Joe’s. Well, maybe at Friendly Arms where my mother lives there are a few ossified people that could pass. But, we still can’t produce that many centenarians! I don’t care how many prunes they eat.

So how did they do it?

It’s easy.

Fraud. They lied about their elderly inhabitants so they could continue to receive government money. For example, Sogen Kato’s granddaughter has been arrested on suspicion of abandonment and pension fraud because grandpa has been dead for 32 years! He would have been 111 years old if police hadn’t found his decaying body in his home. Gruesome but true. But that’s not the worst story. A 104-year-old woman was found in her son’s backpack. Just let one of my kids try that with me! I will look with suspicion at all people in their 60s carrying one and saying grandma likes to go everywhere.

We’re in trouble, folks! The National Institute on Aging says as Baby Boomers age the 75,000 who are a hundred years old now will rise to 600,000 by midcentury. That means none of us will remember an actor in a popular movie or what we had for dinner. We get a birthday every year whether we want one or not. Maury says staying rabid during the political season will keep him young. Maybe. It’s aging me. especially when the Guv sees “headless bodies” in the desert. We’re all getting stressed. Start investing now in rockers and youth elixirs! If we’re lucky we’ll all get there!

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Now we all know some fans go through celebrity garbage for tokens of their favorite surgically-enhanced, non-talented blond starlets and identity thieves think that’s a good source of information (so if you’re not shredding, start now!), but now we have the threat of microchips in our garbage! Stress! In London, the high-end of a nanny-state, the local governments have installed 2.6 million microchips in people’s garbage to find out if they are recycling.

I knew it! My mother was right! There are people looking in our garbage! Even paranoid old ladies speak the truth sometimes. “Jean, always wrap your q-tips in a tissue before you throw them away.” Why? So people won’t know there was wax in my ears? Listen, folks, if they’re using this new surveillance to monitor green activity, we’re all in trouble. The “pay as you throw” policy for rubbish is voluntary but do you really want someone evaluating your garbage? And charging you if you didn’t re-cycle correctly? Aren’t you stressed out enough?

From the British invasion of rock music to mini-skirts, whatever starts there comes here. I knew the Garbage Police were going to show up sometime. I just didn’t know when. I never would have suspected it would be under an environmental disguise. And I can’t wait to see what they’re wearing. Maybe my mother should dress them in green polyester and stacked heel silver boots.

Our State has Nuttier Politicians Than Yours

The people representing the state of Arizona are a constant source of entertainment until you realize that they are crazy and can influence your life. Our latest gaffe from Trent Franks, a U.S. Representative who was a protege of impeached, racist-remarking, impeached Governor Evan Mecham, is a doozy.

What could be said that would cause enough outrage that E.J. Montini made it to the front page of the local section of our newspaper as a big headline? What could get my mother to call me at 7 AM and want to move out of state? Okay, maybe that’s not a bad idea, but I’d be the one having to pack her up all over again with her ugly gold barrel chair and eat ten more senior lunches at assisted living facilities.

Trent Franks equates abortion with slavery. No matter what you think about the topic of terminating a pregnancy, do you know any sane people who think a family-planning decision is equal to the mistreatment and enslavement of an entire people? I cannot make this up. They’re getting crazier and crazier here. I’m waiting for the next nut who claims they can tell your political preferences from your front lawn cactus arrangement. The realization that I’m living in a place with these kind of unbridled nut cases representing me gives me enough stress to eat two warm, slightly melted chocolate lava cakes. Myself.

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Now I’ve been concerned about some of our state legislators for years. Some of my favorite legislation was the representative who wanted to ban co-ed dorms at all state universities. Little late for that. Or the woman who brought a bill that linked abortion with breast cancer without any scientific information. But it gets better than that. After a recent editorial from snowbirds who said they won’t be coming back because they ran into so many “birthers” here, I had to take a serious examination of our “kook” factor.

We’re scored very high on the list. Columnist Laurie Roberts has made an excellent case for taxing some of our better ideas to kill tourism and keep major corporations from moving their headquarters here. There is a fictional Flora Beaudreaux who expresses some of the viewpoints of our very own legislators like representative Judy Burges of Skull Valley who supports the “birthers,” a nut-case group that are convinced our president was really born in Kenya. What to do about this? Waste the legislature’s time (we can’t balance the budget and they’re closing state parks) with bill 2441 which requires presidential candidates to show their birth certificate before they can be included on Arizona’s ballot?

But my favorite is Russell Pearce who passed bills to get flags in every classroom with out any funding, requiring photo IDs to be shown at voting polls (never mind the elderly who no longer have driver’s licenses like my mother, thank God!) and his latest feat, to have the Ten Commandments installed at the Capitol. Never mind separation of church and state and the poverty in his district. We need to focus on inconsequential matters so Maury can yell at the newspaper and write Letters to the Editor, which gives me stress.

Fighting Stewardesses

You might not have heard of Pinnacle Airlines but you’ll think about booking with them in the future. It’s enough that passengers want to explode their shoes or light their underwear, but now we have to be stressed about nasty flight attendants. We don’t know the reason for the altercation but apparently two sassy stewardesses got into a verbal disagreement (who teased their hair higher? why Lee Press-On nails don’t last?) that caused the pilot to  return to the gate in Rochester, New York instead of landing in Atlanta. Would you be upset if your were a passenger? There’s a high nut factor in the air. I can’t make this up.

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