As if we all aren’t busy enough and multi-tasking to complete our holiday schedules without participating in Black Friday, a few things have happened to create another level of anxiety.

1. Maury lost his keys again and although we have searched through every article of clothing in his closet with pockets for ten days, they have not shown up. He THINKS he threw them away because he usually has lots of important items in his hands from Home Depot when he comes in from the garage. Should I change all of the locks on the house? Do we really need anything from the file cabinet we can no longer access? Is it that important to have only one car key?

2. Glee is insistent that she wants to help me wrap the 32 Chanukah presents for the grandchildren. Eight nights. Four kids. I did the math. Never mind that some of the presents are as exciting as one pair of cotton underpants (Why didn’t I get the days of the week ones? That way one package would have taken care of seven nights!) or a pencil from the museum store. Glee says we have to set an example by going green as we wrap everything.

“What does that entail?”

“You need plain brown wrapping paper or grocery bags without logos, raffia instead of cloth ribbons, fresh organic herbs and pine cones.”

“I don’t have any pine cones. I’d have to drive almost three hours to get them from Flagstaff.”

“Start driving. Everything has to be natural and non-commercial.”

3. A woman from the A&E reality TV show “Hoarders” brought home a pregnant rat. The Humane Society in San Jose has rescued 1,000 of them to put up for adoption. One creepy plague-carrying, citrus-eating rodent makes me apoplectic. One thousand? I’d need a strait-jacket. But worse, who do they think is going to adopt rats? “Oh honey, I got you such a great pet for Christmas! It eats everything and multiplies quickly.” Do I need to mention the neighbors turned them in because “the pets” were actually eating the house?

4. April is only buying designer water with names like Lelu, Vidago and Tasmanian Rain. She is convinced that a new brand made from 12,000 year old snow is the answer to longevity, long before our atmosphere was filled with impurities.

“Jean, it’s the fountain of youth. Steve got me Bling H2O from Tennessee spring water. It’s only $50 for a Swarovoski crystal-encrusted bottle! And that’s not as good as the new iceberg stuff. Glace is the purest of the pure. It’s the French word for ‘ice’.”

“April dearest, I know you mean well, but that’s all hype. Water is water. Don’t buy into the latest trend.”

When I told Maury about the entrepreneur investing $4.5 million to make bottles of water he shook his head and said, “People in Scottsdale will buy anything.”

5. My mother has a boyfriend.

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As if I don’t have enough anxiety swirling around me, my glamorous friend, April, calls to inform me that she read a study that says people who are stressed gain weight.

“I’m worried about you, Jean. You under too much pressure and you worry all the time. You could gain ten pounds like that!” I hear the crisp snap of her manicured fingers.

“Honey, I appreciate your concern, but I’m just dealing with life. Your husband’s gone all day. Mine hangs around looking in the refrigerator. Your mother lives in Topeka. Mine’s a few miles away and complains a lot. Your kids are employed. Mine are . . .well, you know that situation.”

“Don’t think because I appear relaxed and well-groomed all the time, I don’t have problems. Sometimes I’m very stressed in Paradise Valley.”

“About what?”

“I worry about you. This Harvard study said people eat more because it calms them. I’ve watched what happens to you around chocolate. They suggest talking to a friend and I wanted you to know I’m always here for you.”

“April, I’m fine. A call from you about my stress makes me more stressed.”

‘Honey, I just don’t want you to gain weight. It’s so hard to lose. I know how you rush around and take on so many commitments.”

“Well, I appreciate your concern, but I think you have to find something else to worry about. I’m going to finish Indian curry left-overs and garlic mashed potatoes for lunch.”

Airline Food Curbs the Appetite

My friend is worried I’ll gain weight from over-eating while I’m stressed out. I have a solution! Anyone who’s worried about weight gain has to fly somewhere. That way they can view the food served and lose their appetite.

The Food and Drug Administration inspectors have cited airline food for sanitation violations. Now airline food is usually unappealing, but now that I know the kitchens they were prepared in have roaches, flies and mice, I will avoid the peanuts in the sealed packages.

In fact, the visual of mystery meat with vermin dancing on the top just  might be the image to conjure up when I see a great dessert. Who knew airline food was a diet technique?

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So say you’re really pissed at your former boyfriend and you want to get back at him. And say you’re gorgeous and hold the title of Miss Desert Sun and Miss Pima County. And what if you’re smart enough to get into law school at the University of Arizona and get a cool job clerking for a judge? Never mind world peace and opposite marriage. Kumari Fulbright is a felonious beauty queen who pled guilty to five counts. That’s enough to give any mother a heart attack! Bet that messed up her career.

A photo of Kumari in a bikini and holding a machine gun is in sharp contrast to her booking photo. It’s one you must check out out on the link. If my hair looked that bad I’d be in a cute hat. Girl, if you’re reading this in your striped pajamas, you need a major make over! That’s the worst booking photo I’ve ever seen! As a feminist I’d have to say it’s punishment for objectifying women by entering the contests, but on the other hand, my mother would point out that she probably only entered for the scholarship money. “Honey, if I thought you were good looking enough to strut down a runway in a bathing suit, I would have encouraged you, too.” Thanks, Mom.

Let’s Narrow the Competition

How many contestants could there be for a Miss Indian Transgender beauty contest? Apparently only three. If the competition’s small then everyone goes home with a prize: Miss Congeniality, Best Talent (lip synching never goes out of style in a pageant) and the overall Winner. Ricki Quintero, a contestant in this year’s exciting competition, decided to become a female during college. With two competition dresses and enough big hair to croon a country western tune, “she” is a favorite in this year’s challenge at the Cruisin’ 7th Cocktail. My friend April, who spends days getting ready for charity balls, would be so interested in the descriptions of her two gowns: white with turquoise embroidery and the other in a sunny yellow. But what about the shoes?

Rat Risotto

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There’s a proposal to add a 5% tax to breast implants, tummy tucks and wrinkle injections in Washington.  The “botax” has plastic surgeons, a major industry in sunny Scottsdale, and the women and men they service, ready to storm Washington. A tax to relax wrinkles?  Make boobies bigger? Pick up some sagging skin? How dare they?! Will massages at spas be next? Horrors! Botox, an injection that freezes your nerves, has turned many a Scottsdale socialite’s face into a permanent surprise. What will happen to the 4.7 million injections at $400 a pop last year? Will it raise the price? Will smiles go saggy? People might look like themselves!

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/n/a/2009/11/19/national/w142126S32.DTL&feed=rss.business

Rats Are Everywhere…Even in Scottsdale!

They’re baaack! Those disgusting, gnawing creepy footed roof rats! Why? Because the seasonal oranges are almost ripe. These are  Scottsdale rats so they’re fussy. They don’t eat grapefruits or lemons. Just oranges. They’re quite generous too. They leave behind the pimply skin with the meat all gone and fat rat teeth marks. I check the patio every morning to see if they left me a present. If I don’t go out and pick them up then Amber will eat the gross leftovers. And later, Maury may kiss her on the lips. Come on! We’re not the only people who kiss their pets!

Worse, Sue Stenhouse, a Rhode Island legislator had  a rat run across her office floor. She shot rubber bands at it and sprayed it with perfume. Sue, you need Maury, the rat killer equipped with cages and cheese.

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hCP0HKUQvEGL6KgxBwWhtRUbg2yAD9C0S8H80

Are Your Kids Rude?

What’s giving me stress is my son, Michael’s cybergymnastics.  He’s unemployed and his wife, Rivka, is pregnant. I went over to help out today and he kept texting while I was talking to him, his thumb jumping around like a cricket. What could he be telling people on Twitter when he’s talking to me? Who cares? It means he’s never really paying attention. Scientists say it takes one minute to get your attention back to the original task after being notified on your Blackberry that you have an email. I wish it had something to do with employment, but I think it’s more about ball scores when it comes to Michael. Where is this all going to lead us? I was less stressed in 1985 when I just had a TV and no VCR. Now i don’t know which device to check first.

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