Before I embark on shoe shopping with my 75-year-old mother (don’t tell her I told you her age), I think it’ll be relaxing to read the paper. Your tips have been very helpful, but the bizarre news and a cup of herbal tea distract me from the hours of agony I’ll be enduring deciding on black pumps or black pumps with a bow. Besides, I learn so much when I read the paper. Did you know massage parlors are fronts for prostitution, high class call girls frequent Scottsdale resorts and reflexology is subject to police action. What? The practice of applying pressure to the hands or feet to affect the body’s energy fields because some people think the nerves from our internal organs end in our appendages is based on no science whatsoever. I’m not saying a good foot rub doesn’t improve your mood, but Scottsdale Massage Examiner, Steve Ibach,  says that since the massage parlors have been busted, they’re re-opening as reflexology studios because they don’t have to be licensed. Can you imagine if I took my mother for a special treat after 5 hours of shoe shopping and the receptionist was in black lingerie?!

The Scottsdale Creeper

There really is a guy who has been breaking into women’s bedrooms late at night and sitting on their beds, stroking their hair or just staring at them. Now personally, this would creep me out if Maury did it, but a stranger? What’s even more bizarre is he was acquitted because he said he was drunk and just went to the wrong apartment. I mean, he had 5 counts of burglary and 5 counts of voyeurism! None of the women could positively identify him. I ask you, what kind of a sharp cookie can’t remember a pervert? Let him try that with my mother and she’d not only have a description, she’d have his nuts tied up in one of her many chain necklaces.

Ferrets Give Me the Willies

After being creeped out by the Scottsdale Creeper and checking all my doors I read about a Florida man who shoplifted…a ferret! And where did he put it? In his pants, of course! Thirty-eight year old Rodney Bolton stole the $129 animal (that’s at least the amount of one shoe in Scottsdale) from a pet store. A teenager confronted him in the parking lot. So did Rodney drop the goods like an intelligent shoplifter and run? Oh no. He shoved the animal in the kid’s face and it bit him. Under Florida law that makes the ferret a “special weapon”. Maybe Scottsdale women need to start collecting ferrets for protection.

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