“Jean! I’m going to be on TV!” Glee’s enthusiastic voice bursts into my car. I am on my way to the Apple store because Maury decided I couldn’t live without an iPad. Which is what he wanted. All husbands must do that–get you something you don’t want because they like it.

“Huh? Aren’t you already on TV?”

“Stop kidding around. This is a new reality show that’s looking for people who ‘reign supreme in the social scene.’ That’s me! I’m part of the Scottsdale elite!”

“Glee, don’t those mushroom brains reveal everything about their personal and professional lives on those shows? You can’t be serious.” My daughter-in-law, Rivka, is texting me: Kids vomiting. Can u come over?

“I am very serious. One good reality show and you can be famous! Look at that slut on “Jersey Shore”. I’d bring some class to the venue.” I stop at a red light and text back: Call Maury.

“Wait a minute. I read about this. They want people between the ages of 21 and 30. Uh, Glee–you haven’t seen those numbers in decades.”

“No one knows that. I look much younger since I started on the hormone injections, B-12 shots and Latisse. Besides, Scottsdale is the next South Beach. The guy running it, Doron Ofir, used to work with Ben Quayle.”

Doron Ofir is responsible for this?! And it may be coming to Scottsdale?!

“Glee! That newly elected congressman who’s the son of a former VP who can’t spell has a scandal following him around. Doron Ofir started a dirty blog in Scottsdale that degrades women. You can’t do this!” I feel my sense of justice and fairness being riled up.

“Oh Jean, no one pays attention to that. It was a silly blog that college kids use to torture each other. The starring couple is supposed to be Nick Richie and his wife, Shayne Lamas. Maybe I’ll get to meet Lorenzo!”

Now that would be some drama–how many boyfriends Glee can go through in a season. Watching the hoi polloi of Scottsdale might actually relieve some of my stress!

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Recently theTennessee Senate passed a bill that bars teachers from discussing homosexuality or alternative lifestyles with elementary and middle school students. I had no idea he would be so passionate about it.

“Jean, you can’t say ‘gay’ in Tennessee,” Maury tells me as he grips the steering wheel while we drive to Wildflower, a neighborhood haunt that serves multiple pieces of bread with everything you order. My mother enjoys this because she takes it all home, puts it in her freezer and forgets about it.

“Well, I wasn’t planning to. Why?” I text Lara to remind her that she’s picking up her grandmother for our family dinner.

“Because it’s not fair to restrict someone’s freedom of speech. They can’t ban a word. We have to do something about this.”

“Like what? Go to Tennessee and protest?” I respond to Rivka to see if she’ll pick up my mother.

“That’s exactly what I was thinking! We can stand outside the schools and say ‘gay, gay, gay.’ Prove a point.” He slaps the dashboard with enthusiasm.

“Maury, there is no way we’re taking a trip to Tennessee. I have more important issues to deal with.” Rivka, upon hearing she might have to go out of her way, texts me that she’s exhausted from shopping and can’t pick up my mother because she has catarrh, an inflammation that involves mucus. I delete her.

“What’s more important than basic human rights? Besides, they’re not teaching about it. They just can’t say the word. I’m going to Google the ACLU when I get home to see what they’re doing.”

“Maury, we don’t have time to get involved in other states’ problems. We have plenty right here.” My mother is calling my cell phone. I will call her back. I have to make sure my darling husband doesn’t get involved in some crazy scheme that involves the Deep South, the word “gay,” and his latest obsession, Civil War re-enactors because he’s reading Confederates in the Attic by Tony Horwitz.

“Honey,” I say in my best soothing voice, “Let’s not get excited. We have plenty to do right here in Arizona with Sarah moving to North Scottsdale, an invasion of stink bugs and the capture of the Rock Burglar.” I have to make sure he doesn’t get me involved in one of his annoying political campaigns too.

“Stink bugs? The ones that leave fruit bruised and discolored and give off a horrendous odor? Why didn’t you tell me this sooner? We have to help our local farmers fight those creeps.”

“Sweetheart, stay on Scottsdale Road. We’re picking up my mom.”

“Huh? Thought the kids were doing that. What happened?”

“You don’t want to know.”

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“Mom, what is that around your neck?” I reached over to hold up her necklace for a closer look.
“Jean, I’m starting a new jewelry line out of all the pills the nurses try to make us take. I made this one myself. Do you like it?”
“This is Viagra! You can’t go walking around with this. Where did you get it anyway?” I looked at her with suspicion. Maybe she is having some fun since my dad passed. “I know these aren’t prescribed to you.”
“How do you know what they are?” She leans in closer. “Is Maury still–you know what I mean?”

“Mom! That’s personal.”

“Jean, I’m your mother. I’ve heard everything. What do you think goes on at senior living places? We have a few Lotharios and Jezebels here too!”

“Mom,” I say with firmness as I start the car, “where did you get this crazy idea?”

“A lady from California makes jewelry out of her unused pills to help pay for her medical bills. I think it’s a great idea. Look at the article.”

The car idles as I skim a newspaper article with scalloped edges because my mother cut it out with cuticle scissors. Susan Braig, a brave woman who survived cancer has a lot of unpaid bills. She had unused drugs from her treatment so she designed pendants, earrings and tiaras.

“I’ve been going around collecting pills from everyone,” says my mother.

“Mom, won’t the medications leak or melt? You know how hot it gets here.” Of course I’m thinking about Bernie, our doctor friend, who will be examining my mother in a few minutes and what he’ll think seeing a blue Viagra around her neck.
“Jean, you worry too much. I will wear my jewelry more than I carry my pills around with me. If I need my anti-nausea medicine I can just swallow my ring. Well, you know what I mean. What I really need help with is selling my drug jewelry. Will you help? Your friends, Glee and April, will love this stuff.”
I can’t believe my mother wants me to market medicinal jewelry. What will she come up with next? More Stressed in Scottsdale!

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Glee. Caller ID is a technology advance I enjoy. If I can see the screen without my glasses. What’s one more interruption?

“Jean! Jean! Guess who’s coming to town?”

“Don’t tell me–the circus? The latest hair removal machine? Joe, the plumber? The kids made the downstairs toilet overflow.”

“Don’t be so sarcastic! This is perfect for you.”

Uh-oh. When Glee transforms one of her schemes into something that involves me, I run. Especially since she trapped me at a nudist colony. But that’s another story. “Okay, let’s have it. What is it?”

I hear Glee gasp a loud breathe. “Bravo’s Real Housewives is coming to Scottsdale!”

It’s embarrassing to admit I have seen a few episodes of the Orange County season. They were mostly botox parties and spray tans. One trip to AJ’s and I can see it live. It really is sexist. No one’s a housewife anymore. We’re Domestic Engineers and work all day long. Except in Scottsdale. I feign mild excitement.“Really?!”

“Yes! It’s a spin off. I can’t believe they didn’t ask me to be a part of the show! I’m so Scottsdale!”

Glee would be perfect for this show and so would April. Glee is outgoing enough, and April, well she already looks the part. As long as I don’t get dragged into it. “What does this have to do with me?”

“It’s not confirmed but so far Steve Nash’s ex, Alejandra Nash, and Dan Majerle’s ex, Tina Dwyer, have signed for the show.”

“Wait, how are they housewives if they aren’t even married? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of the show?”

“That’s beside the point. Anyway, they are supposedly filming at the Drybar at Scottsdale Quarter. Let’s go and be on TV!”

“Glee, you’re kidding me. I don’t have time for nonsense. My cell phone and calendar aren’t syncing and I’ve double-booked appointments. I’m stressed from going back to a paper calendar. Those parties are VIP anyway. No way we could get in.”

“Yes, we will. Brad, my new boyfriend–and don’t say a word–his name sounds young but I’m actually only fifteen years older than him–knows a guy who knows the owner’s brother. Dress Scottsdale. Got to go, I have to call April to tell her the news!”

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I picked her up at Friendly Arms and could not believe what she was wearing. Usually she’s elegant, wearing a straw hat and matching shoes and bag. That’s her generation. Anyway, my mother was wearing a long, dark wig. It was obviously 50 years too young for her.

“Mom, what in the world is that on your head?” I folded up her cherry red walker into the trunk of my Volvo.

“Jean, haven’t you been reading in the paper about the burglaries? The thieves target mothers!”

Okay, I have been reading about a gang of housewives who look for busy moms who leave their purses in the car. I get it–stroller, kid diaper bag, cool pack, but why would any woman leave her purse in the car?

“Yes, mom I have, but they’re in Chandler. They break into cars at parks and day care centers while the moms aren’t paying attention.

“Jean, why would the mothers do that? I always tuck my purse into my armpit. No one wants to grab it from there.”

” Mom, what’s with the wig?”

“The thieves wear wigs when they try to cash the stolen checks!”

“But you’re not a thief.”

“I know that but if I look like one maybe they won’t be tempted to break into our car while we’re shopping. You know they will think I am one of them.”

“That is ridiculous. Mom there is no way I am going into the mall with a seventy-plus–I think it’s absurd you won’t let me say your age out loud–lady in a 20-year-old’s wig!”

Thirty minutes later it was apparent I had lost the argument. My mother, her wig and I shopped. Slowly. Very slowly.

While browsing the shoe department at Nordstrom’s with my Demi Moore wannabe-looking mother I ran into Glee with a friend. Glee looked fantastic in a tie-dyed turban and gold gauze. It was a bit awkward because my mother was bamboozling the handsome, young sales associate to bring out every pair of black sandals he could find that didn’t look old lady-ish.

I moved off to the side so we could be introduced.

“Oh, Jean, I’ve been dying to introduce you to my guardian angel.”

Now, Glee is a bit over the edge on the woo-woo stuff but I’m a spiritual person sometimes so I give her lots of room.

“I am very happy to meet an angel.”

Pretty, blond–aren’t all angels?–she started to say something but Glee interrupted.

“I just finished taking Doreen’s workshop. I have at least three angels. Maybe more.”

“Uh, Glee, I think I’d better hear about this later.”

“No problem. Isn’t your mother hot in that wig? She could use a fashion consultant. I know a good one.”

“Of course you do,” I muttered.

Who would have thought I would feel stressed at the mall with my mother? Just like a teenager again. I guess her wig aged both of us.

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“Jean, I decided to drive again.”

“Mom you haven’t driven a car in years.”

“No matter. I want to take it up again.”

“Why?”

“So I can transport Selma and Letty for real lunch and shopping.”

“But-but you don’t have a car.”

“So what! I can borrow yours when I pass the test.”

Apparently AAA Arizona will be providing safe driving workshops for teens and seniors.  Not exactly what I call school but I can’t imagine my mother behind the wheel. I already have enough stress. I caved in and decided to humor my mother and attend the first workshop.

Besides a kid who’s texting and swerving and an elderly senior citizen, have you ever watched a Scottsdale babe on the phone, hands splayed so she doesn’t mess her nails? Sometimes they can’t even lift their hands to the top of the steering wheel because of the ice-rink diamonds.

After 10 minutes with my mother beside me in her silk shantung pantsuit and hat as she dozes off, I realize that these workshops need to be designed to fit the personalities that live in Arizona.

The Snowbird-This workshop will focus on teaching our winter visitors not to stop for green lights and that it is okay to drive more than 5 mph. They’ll also learn which lanes to drive in, how to use their blinkers and what to do when there’s no snow on the ground.

The Student- Students will learn how to stop texting behind the wheel, make complete stops and look both ways before turning.  They will also understand how to deal with fender-benders when mom and dad aren’t around to help.

The BMW-This is for anyone who drives a car that is worth more than the average income. Drivers will comprehend that just because they drive a fancy car, they still have to avoid balancing a Starbucks in one hand and holding their phone in the other. Parking will also be taught since valet is not available at AJ’s and the dry cleaners. Yet.

The Cougar Workshop-Cougar drivers will learn to apply makeup before they start their vehicle.  Batting eyelashes at young, fit police officers will not get them out of a ticket. Learn the rules of the road. And try not to wear leopard ever day.

I don’t think a 90 minute workshop will cure the bad drivers in Scottsdale. Just know you’re taking your life in your hands when you pull out of your driveway.

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Until the goats contracted an eye infection that spread to the sheep who went blind. And fell off the fake mountain. I was upset for days that these beautiful creatures who love to lock horns could no longer see each other.

I cannot make this up! Consult Chapter 2 in Stressed in Scottsdale for more documentation.

I, however, am not the only fan of Ovis canadensis. It seems Zen Mocarski, an education manager at the Arizona Game and Fish Department, is one too. He spearheaded an effort to build three overpasses so sheep can cross safely. I admire him.

But, of course there’s a level of absurdity to this as I point this out to Maury.
“Maury, Arizona’s largest herd of bighorn sheep will be safe from traffic.”
“I am very relieved to hear that.”
“They were going to build underpasses like they do for elk and deer but the sheep are very visual and can detect movement up to a mile away.”
“That’s nice, dear.”
“They don’t like to go underground in dark, dank tunnels.”
“Neither do I.”
“Maury, this is serious. The biologists asked the sheep. They collared and captured 75 of them with the help of sportsmen.”
“Wait. Those are the guys who want to kill them.”
“Right. But they won’t have any to shoot if the herd dies of disease or doesn’t breed properly.”
I continue to share this urgent information including the fact that this project cost $4.8 million. “They even seeded the surfaces with native plants and lots of dirt. Remote cameras took the first pictures of them crossing. I bet they looked cute with their little furry faces.”
“Jean, do you mean to tell me they can’t pay for transplants for a hundred people and they’re funding driveways for sheep?”
“Exactly.”

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It always struck me as odd to find someone you met online and fall in love. Wasn’t it not too long ago that they were warning us about people not being who they really are online? Even my mother weighed in on the issue.

“Jean, what’s wrong with these people going out on dates with people they meet on their computer? They could be purse-snatchers or muggers.”

“Mom, purse-snatchers go to shopping malls. They’re not looking online.”

The buzz about online dating begins with pressure being taken off of meeting someone face-to-face. You can actually control your first impression! Don’t like what they said? Easy. Delete. If only I could have done this in real life during my dating years, it would have saved me from some really bad blind dates, including the guy who abandoned me in his car while he searched for water to give a dog tied up outside a restaurant and showed up thirty minutes later. Or the one who took me to see his cadaver at the medical school. And my mother thought he’d be such a good catch because he was a doctor!

I am beginning to think that online dating might work. The new trend is about how you can go on virtual dates! The guy can take you to a virtual coffee shop or bowling alley and you chat with each other during the date. I’m a terrible bowler so he wouldn’t be impressed with my skills.

If the guy doesn’t want to fork out a few dollars to spend wining and dining in Scottsdale maybe virtual dating might work. Virtual dates also mean that women don’t have to worry about the hours of work it takes to get ready before a big night out.

I happen to notice that Glee is always checking her emails with her new fancy smart phone. So I asked her about it.

“Glee, are you dating someone online?”

“What? Of course not! Well, actually, I’m dating a few people.”

“Are you serious? How does that work?”

“They pick me up like a regular date only we’re online at the same time. They pick exotic locations, wonderful restaurants and unique methods of transportation.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“No, last week I went with Fabio on a romantic gondola ride in Virtual Venice. Then Pierre and I had a virtual dinner at the top of the Virtual Eiffel Tower. Next week I’m meeting Alexander for virtual snorkeling in the Virtual Greek Islands. I have a fabulous bathing suit picked out.”

“But, Glee, you’re not even going to get it wet!”

“Of course not. It costs $200 and has fake gold coins all over the bodice. They’d rust if I wore it in the water.”

“That’s right, I forgot. Cougars don’t like to get wet.”

If that’s how dates transpire then maybe it can be love at first sight. I’ll be lucky if I can get Maury away from the golf channel to go out for pizza!

To purchase any of the Jean Rubin Satire please visit Marciafine.com

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“Look, if you think I’m going to start running around in leggings with these chubby thighs, you’ve got another thing coming. I think it’s important to act my age.”

“Jean,” says Glee in her best authoritarian voice, “you just need to be more contemporary. It doesn’t have to be style as much as color.”

“Does that mean I can’t wear khaki and brown anymore?”

“Well, it does make you look a little militaristic,” adds April in her throaty voice.

“Okay, you two. What’s up? Don’t tell me. Eggplant is the new hue and I’m supposed to wear it so I look like one.”

“No, no, no. There’s a new color that’s a combination of orange, red and pink and it will look marvelous with your skin tone,” says Glee. “The sales woman in Neiman’s told me it’s the most captivating, stimulating, viscerally alive color in the spectrum.”

“Glee, she was just trying to get you to buy something. Remember you said you were going to stop shopping for a while?”

“Jean, it’s a strong, positive, affirmative color that will change your attitude!”

“And,” April pipes in, “it’s the most important color for spring. They’re going to be using it for clothes, candles and upholstery.”

“Wait. You want me to dress up as a chair?”

“We’re not saying you should wear it all the time. Just add a few pieces to your wardrobe and drop the leopard spots.”

“I only have one animal print scarf,” I say, a little hurt. Maybe I should pay more attention to what I wear. ”Okay. What’s it called?”

“Honeysuckle. It’ll remind you of the sweet nostalgic fragrances of the nectar hummingbirds buzz around,” says Glee.

“Are you kidding me? You want me to wear yellow? I’ll look sick.”

“It’s not yellow. It’s reddish pink with an undertone of orange,” says Glee.

“April adds, “It can be worn Scottsdale casual or formal. Just don’t pair it with black. White only.”

“Thank you, ladies. I appreciate the wonderful advice. Just look for a hibiscus pumpkin in the aisles at Trader Joe’s.”

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So Bristol Palin bought a house in Maricopa, a city not far from Scottsdale.  I didn’t even know she was old enough to own property. Glee says she paid $172,000 in cold hard cash. I wasn’t paying careful attention, but are mediocre dancers earning big bucks? Or maybe she got paid a lot of money for doing the abstinence commercial with the guy from “The Jersey Shore” called “The Situation.” Either way was it really necessary to use cash? No credit cards or mortgages up in Alaska?

Glee is fascinated with the fact that Bristol’s new home has 5 bedrooms! “I bet one will be a dance studio,” surmises my dear friend. In reality Glee wants to be her personal life coach and April wants to do a Scottsdale make-over on her. April said, “With the new body shapers and a visit to some of better Scottsdale boutiques she’d be a knock out.”  Maury’s worried that her mom, Sarah, is going to move in with her. “You know, Jean, I don’t agree with their politics, but if Todd wants to take me fly fishing, I wouldn’t turn him down.” My mother is horrified. “Jean, I hope they don’t show up at my assisted living facility like some of those other politicians. They’re attractive people but I’m not interested in hunting.”

I try to tell all of them that she probably just bought it as a vacation home, a respite from frigid Alaska temperatures. It’s not like they’re going to be be our new neighbors.  I think Bristol’s smart to invest in real estate. There are lots of bargains here now!
I told Maury if Bristol decides to “meet her neighbors” by introducing herself door to door I’ll welcome her in and start a discussion about what to look for in a man. First, he shouldn’t have ADD unless you want to picxk up after him all the time and secondly, cooking is a requirement.
Glee is excited about the prospect of be-friending her.  I think she wants to broaden her spectra of friends.  She doesn’t have a political one and Bristol is going to be the closest she can get.  She’s purchased a red, white and blue outfit with sequins for the imminent event of meeting her.
I think this is stressing me in Scottsdale!

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