Oh, not again. My mother has been having a hard time dealing with the fact that she’s getting old and shrinking. She doesn’t understand how it’s possible.  

“Okay Mom, whatever you say.”

“Jean, we can get taller together. I saw it on that morning show. This very nice looking young man took a class and did a bunch of those weird stretch exercises. What are those called?”

“Yoga.”

“No, that’s not it! Hmm…Anyways, he grew over an inch after 1 hour! Can you believe it?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I’m going to exercise like that and get taller.”

My mother proudly marches into the TV room where Maury’s watching the best of both worlds – a History Channel documentary on the history of golf.

My mother, exercising? I don’t see it. The only form of physical movement she gets is walking from one side of the room to the next. I overhear her chattering away to Maury about how this guy endured Anti-Gravity Yoga where he was hung upside down from the ceiling and did several poses.

Soon I begin to hear the narrator of the golf documentary more than my mother’s voice as Maury slowly turns the volume up higher and higher.

Yoga that makes you taller? You’re kidding. Well, I wouldn’t have to wear high heels anymore. And aren’t tall people skinnier than short people? That just might be worth the pain from doing the one-legged king pigeon pose for an hour.

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I don’t think it’s necessary to get fapitzed every day. Yes, I confess to being a bit vain–I am guilty of making skin tag removal appointments–but no one seems to be addressing the issue of feminists and fashion. Until I read Sonia Isard’s article in “Lilith“ called “Getting Dressed.” It inspired me to be proud of my self-maintenance appointments that include:

facialdentaleyegynecologistmammogramhairmanipedihairremovallaser treatments.

It’s finally acceptable for intelligent women to be serious about fashion. We’ve gotten the okay on the crazy shoes, high-end purses and clothes that are not designed to look like paper bags. I’m not sure how I look is the focus of my day but if we look great, it’s okay to flaunt it. We are now permitted to enjoy “the process of feminine self-presentation.” Which doesn’t mean I’m walking around on stilts anytime soon.

It may be time to change the way I approach my fashion choices. I have never really cared what those around me said about my style, except when Glee and April convinced me honeysuckle was my color.  This won’t involve me looking through magazines and over-analyzing my attire in the mirror, but instead I will continue to wear what I feel comfortable in with a touch of flair. Like my Guatemalan vest or my Indian shoes with tinkling bells. I don’t need anything else to make me Stressed in Scottsdale. Except when I visit my mother.

It’s been busy week with events for Martha Beck and Gloria Feldt, but it started with Mother’s Day brunch at Friendly Arms. Michael, Rivka plus kids had the stomach flu and cancelled at the last minute, which did not pass the “good excuse list” for my mother. At any rate, she insisted if we were coming we had to dress up.

Her favorite phrase is, “Jean, what’s the point of going somewhere unless they know you’ve been there?”

I convinced Maury to put on a pressed golf shirt while I wore a linen dress with a scarf and Birkenstocks. I did comb my hair.

“Jean, you look very nice today. Except for the shoes. Couldn’t you wear the scarf in your hair or a hat? It’s so unruly. That’s from your father’s side of the family. His mother had hair like a Brillo pad.”

That’s the best compliment I’ve received from my mother in years. She never comments on Maury’s outfits because he’s a doctor and watches baseball with her, even though she has no interest in it whatsoever.

I do get glammed up when Glee and April tell me we’re going someplace “Scottsdale,” but I’m not about to do it for the Friendly Arms dining room where most of the inhabitants do not have 20/20 vision and wear plastic polyester from the 70s.

Usually my mother puts herself together very well, but every once in a while something appears from the bowels of her closet that horrifies me. Her response is: “What? Throw this out? The fabric’s still good.”

“But, Mom, it’s very outdated.”

“Who cares? I’m not trying to find another man.”

I should hope not. He’d have to be deaf and blind.

At any rate, I like women who think for themselves and misbehave. And, it’s okay to look cute too.

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“Look, if you think I’m going to start running around in leggings with these chubby thighs, you’ve got another thing coming. I think it’s important to act my age.”

“Jean,” says Glee in her best authoritarian voice, “you just need to be more contemporary. It doesn’t have to be style as much as color.”

“Does that mean I can’t wear khaki and brown anymore?”

“Well, it does make you look a little militaristic,” adds April in her throaty voice.

“Okay, you two. What’s up? Don’t tell me. Eggplant is the new hue and I’m supposed to wear it so I look like one.”

“No, no, no. There’s a new color that’s a combination of orange, red and pink and it will look marvelous with your skin tone,” says Glee. “The sales woman in Neiman’s told me it’s the most captivating, stimulating, viscerally alive color in the spectrum.”

“Glee, she was just trying to get you to buy something. Remember you said you were going to stop shopping for a while?”

“Jean, it’s a strong, positive, affirmative color that will change your attitude!”

“And,” April pipes in, “it’s the most important color for spring. They’re going to be using it for clothes, candles and upholstery.”

“Wait. You want me to dress up as a chair?”

“We’re not saying you should wear it all the time. Just add a few pieces to your wardrobe and drop the leopard spots.”

“I only have one animal print scarf,” I say, a little hurt. Maybe I should pay more attention to what I wear. ”Okay. What’s it called?”

“Honeysuckle. It’ll remind you of the sweet nostalgic fragrances of the nectar hummingbirds buzz around,” says Glee.

“Are you kidding me? You want me to wear yellow? I’ll look sick.”

“It’s not yellow. It’s reddish pink with an undertone of orange,” says Glee.

“April adds, “It can be worn Scottsdale casual or formal. Just don’t pair it with black. White only.”

“Thank you, ladies. I appreciate the wonderful advice. Just look for a hibiscus pumpkin in the aisles at Trader Joe’s.”

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If I’m going some place with Glee she tells me to dress “Scottsdale“. Now I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I think I’m supposed to overdress and leave my Birkenstocks at home. Of course I always carry my tote bag loaded with everything from binkies to a paring knife I keep forgetting to return to Lara.  The bag’s black so I think it matches everything. Glee says a bag should co-ordinate with our shoes. I think it’s a miracle if I get out of the house. The only Fashion Police I know are my mother and the elderly ladies in her assisted living facility.

This last week was Scottsdale Fashion Week. Glee and April took me to the art-t0-wear fashion show. I realized they probably  figured I’d fit in with that crowd when I saw the models wearing yellow and black make-up, strutting hand-painted clothing that looked like my little granddaughter’s scribbles and  mile-high shoes . I couldn’t envision myself in the peacock feather headdress either but some of the clothing from the local waterfront art galleries was excellent. Waterfront, you say? Yes, here in the desert we can take a drainage canal and call it waterfront property, build condos and charge outrageous prices because it’s located in Scottsdale! Anyway, there were a lot of women who attended with edgyhaircuts, handbags with initials scrawled across them and pooched lips.

Stress from Too Many Men 

Now I can barely handle Maury so it seems incredible the most notorious woman in China know as “The Godmother” had sixteen lovers. Of course there are a few Scottsdale Babes who do have bragging rights to a stable of men too. The Godmother’s been convicted of running 10 gambling dens, strong-arming police officers and bribing government officials. She sounds like someone who deserves 18 years in prison but then I read she had a stable of 16 young men for her pleasure. I could not make this up. Can you imagine how stressed your  favorite  furry pet would be if you had to entertain so many men? Do you pick like you would if you had a garaghe of great cars? “I’ll drive the Mercedes and the Jaguar today.” Or do you rank according to size? They said the testimony was lurid. I wish I could have heard that.

Clowns and Cellphones

Now I’m a multitasker so I’m always doing something else while I’m on the phone. Maury left me an article on my placemat which is subtle way of saying, “Look at this. Here’s the evidence.” That means he’s ready to take me on in a heated discussion about doing too much. Of course women do to much. That’s because men hardly do anything! Scientific studies have been done that prove 75 percent of people talking on a cell phone do not see a unicycling clown even if he has yellow hair and a big red nose. Their conversations are that distracting.

Now there are times when I’m discussing fertility issues with my daughter-in-law or chiding my son about getting a job or telling my mother to turn off Wolf Blitzer because he will always be in a situation while I unload the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry or take  a handful of vitamins that Glee insists will keep me young. I probably wouldn’t notice a unicycling clown if he was riding down the street, but trust me, I’d observe  someone  having a bad hair day.

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