These are the first words out of my mouth when I walk into what was once my clean kitchen. Newspapers are scattered all over the counter and chairs and pieces of cut up papers are on the floor.

I hear a rustle and turn to see my daughter, Lara, sifting through a pile with a pair of scissors. She’s examining an advertisement for that organic grocery store she insists on shopping at.

“Lara what are you doing?”

Before she answers, Lara attacks the ad with her sharp scissors, cutting precisely along the black dotted line so all information is kept in tact.

“Lara, I have more!”

I turn to see a giant stack of newspapers hurry into the kitchen. I look down to see my mother’s walking shoes. I’d recognize those orthopedic sneakers anywhere!

She plops the pile on the counter. Papers fly everywhere!

“Will someone please explain to me what is going on?”

“We’re clipping coupons, Mother. You should do it. It’s a great way to save money. I went shopping last week and saved more than half of what my order would have been. You can even get them online”

“Jean, everyone’s doing it! Oh look, buy one get one half off ! Cut this one out Lara.”

I’ve heard about those women who carry binders filled with coupons on every product imagined. I know they help save money, but I’m not convinced enough to buy in bulk just to save a few cents. Last week I got stuck behind a woman who had coupons for almost every item in her cart. Or should I say carts – she had 3 of them.

There have even been reports of women digging through people’s trash and stealing newspapers for coupons. Can you believe that? Come to think of it…

“Mom, where did you get all these papers?”

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

So Bristol Palin bought a house in Maricopa, a city not far from Scottsdale.  I didn’t even know she was old enough to own property. Glee says she paid $172,000 in cold hard cash. I wasn’t paying careful attention, but are mediocre dancers earning big bucks? Or maybe she got paid a lot of money for doing the abstinence commercial with the guy from “The Jersey Shore” called “The Situation.” Either way was it really necessary to use cash? No credit cards or mortgages up in Alaska?

Glee is fascinated with the fact that Bristol’s new home has 5 bedrooms! “I bet one will be a dance studio,” surmises my dear friend. In reality Glee wants to be her personal life coach and April wants to do a Scottsdale make-over on her. April said, “With the new body shapers and a visit to some of better Scottsdale boutiques she’d be a knock out.”  Maury’s worried that her mom, Sarah, is going to move in with her. “You know, Jean, I don’t agree with their politics, but if Todd wants to take me fly fishing, I wouldn’t turn him down.” My mother is horrified. “Jean, I hope they don’t show up at my assisted living facility like some of those other politicians. They’re attractive people but I’m not interested in hunting.”

I try to tell all of them that she probably just bought it as a vacation home, a respite from frigid Alaska temperatures. It’s not like they’re going to be be our new neighbors.  I think Bristol’s smart to invest in real estate. There are lots of bargains here now!
I told Maury if Bristol decides to “meet her neighbors” by introducing herself door to door I’ll welcome her in and start a discussion about what to look for in a man. First, he shouldn’t have ADD unless you want to picxk up after him all the time and secondly, cooking is a requirement.
Glee is excited about the prospect of be-friending her.  I think she wants to broaden her spectra of friends.  She doesn’t have a political one and Bristol is going to be the closest she can get.  She’s purchased a red, white and blue outfit with sequins for the imminent event of meeting her.
I think this is stressing me in Scottsdale!

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

Even though I’m officially on vacation I wanted to share with you that some people are always working. Like my friend, April, who doesn’t have a job. Her business is everyone else. Ever since she thinks she solved a murder in her neighborhood of a mouthy gossip columnist years ago, she’s looking for crime.

“Jean, guess what? I think there’s a drop house in my neighborhood!”

April lives in Paradise Valley which is adjacent to Scottsdale and has the highest per capita income of any zip code, so the idea that someone’s mansion is harboring people who have come into Arizona through non-traditional channels fascinates me.

“How do you know?”

“Because I never see anyone and there’s a van with tinted windows in the driveway.”

“So?”

“No one in Paradise Valley drives an unmarked van. Unless their a drug dealer. or a human smuggler.”

“Do you mean to tell me there’s no vans? Don’t some parents drive their kids to school in a van?”

“Of course not. We have vans here with” Home Delivery Dry Cleaning” painted on the side or “Catering by Monique.” Parents drive their kids in SUVs and Mercedes station wagons.”

“April, that’s ridiculous. There are drop houses packed with people brought across the border by mules in the Phoenix area. Why would they pick your neighborhood?”

“Because the homes are bigger and they can fit more people inside! And they found Russian spies in nice neighborhoods.”

Okay, she’s got a point, but we have such a highly charged border issue here, I don’t think April should get involved. I tell her so.

Her response? “I’m going to find out who’s living there and when I do . . .”

“Have you ever thought about minding your own business?”

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

People make their fortunes in such interesting ways. Some build empires with food products like the Goldwaters, others have huge personalities like Oprah, and some write about sucking blood. Personally, I’m over vampires since Anne Rice took me on a scary journey years ago. I mean, how much money can you make from getting teenagers to buy into a vampire phenomenon that includes more than black fingernails and elongated teeth? Besides the books, there’s movies, TV shows, clothes. Yes, I’m talking about Stephanie Meyer, a Gilbert housewife with three kids who likes scrap booking and the industry her imagination of pale, creepy faces has wrought.

It’s even a new genre: “suspense romance horror comedy.”

The scoop is her new home is a 8,770-square-foot $4,425,000 mansion in Scottsdale on the Desert Mountain-Chiricahua Golf Course. Paid for with cash. But that’s not all.  They still own the $7.2 million dollar new home on five acres they bought last year on the other side of Desert Mountain. Maybe they run across the golf courses late at night between their two houses and count bedrooms where creepy people go berserk for blood. I don’t know. Personally, watching Maury waking up in the morning is as frightened as I want to get.

However, I think if that’s all they’ve spent on dwellings, they’re on a tight budget…considering she makes more than $50 million a year with over 100 million copies in distribution around the world!

Of course Glee has met the author at a dinner party. She says she’s very down-to-earth and just wants to stay in her dark room, making up more stories about neck-biting, hot abstinent-prone teens and scary transformations.

Why didn’t I think of that?

DNA Tells the Tail

Glee has adjusted to high-rise condo life since her divorce. She’s dropped Rob, the young and shallow stud, for a professor! A hot science instructor with patents!

“Cougars are so over,” she told me. “I like older men now.”

“But this guy isn’t older. he’s your age,” I stammered.

“Well, he doesn’t know that!”

So when Glee’s new cock-a-poo was accused unjustly of leaving her personal calling card in the elevator among other inappropriate places, Dr. Doody came to the rescue!

After numerous notices and threats from the Home Owner’s Association, the suggestion was made to check the dogs’ DNA in the building. With an assessment, of course. HOAs love assessments.

The idea is not original. In Baltimore every dog and guest who visits Scarlett Place is swabbed for a DNA sample. The owners pay $50 for this privilege. There’s an added $10 per pooch to cover the expense of having staff scoop the poop and send it to be analyzed.

If it’s your dog, you’re out $500! That’s expensive s***!

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

A new poll says 60 percent of people are accepting responsibility for protecting the environment. That means they’re like my husband, Maury, who recycles his diet soda cans and wine bottles  in Scottsdale, turns up the thermostat in our triple digit summers so that peri-menopausal women pant like Amber, buys energy-efficient appliances like our no-drying cycle dishwasher that smells stinky all the time and wash their clothes in cold water. I refuse to wash gym clothes in anything but hot water.  Enough is enough.

Now I know some granolas get obsessed with recycling and not washing their clothes in cold or hot water, but folks, please consider your neighbors. Wash your clothes and bodies thoroughly, especially if you want close friends!

What really concerns me is the 37 percent of the survey’s respondents who rarely thought about the consequences of their actions in regards to the environment. Al Gore could show up anytime with the Green Police! In Scottsdale that means they’re not separating glass and paper. It also means they’re keeping cool at a moderate 70 degrees and not schvitzing like us. Without any vision of what will happen to all of us if they don’t lower their carbon footprint, we could all be living in a globally warmed extreme heat. I think we’re already there.

Scottsdale Scoop about Your Neighbors

Every week our local newspaper prints the “Top Home Sales of the Past Week.” It’s a section I look forward to because I want to know who’s moving in, who’s moving out, what they do for a living, how much they paid for their home and whether it was cash or a trust fund. Don’t you? Of course almost all the residences are in Scottsdale or Paradise Valley.

My mother’s a privacy nut so she doesn’t give out personal information about anything. The fact that private business becomes public drives her wild. “Jean, did you see Augustus Anderson III paid 3.1 million in cash for an 8,100 square foot Tuscan estate? Why would anyone want the world to know they have six bathrooms?” Or “Hunter Schwartz of Alberta, Canada paid 2.9 million for a mansion buried in the side of Camelback Mountain. He purchased it from the Mary and Wedell Snodgrass Trust Fund. Who are these people and where did they get so much money from? Don’t they know it doesn’t look nice to tell everyone what you paid for something?”

“Mom, it’s a matter of public record.  The newspaper just prints it. It’s interesting for people like me because I’m curious about what’s happening in Scottsdale.”

“Jean, we raised you better than that. Stop reading it.”

Bookmark It

Hide Sites

I’m not talking about thong underwear! Maury, my laconic golf-obsessed, History Channel watching husband floats through his days without ever raising his voice or getting upset. Except if he’s talking about companies sullying our environment, which he’s passionate about, politicians he doesn’t agree with, and personal injury attorneys. Today he stormed into my office where I am attempting to blog discreetly because he has no idea I’m sharing our personal life online. I have found sharing with all of you and reading your comments makes my stress level go down to a six on a scale of 10. I usually hover around 8. He waved a newspaper at me and ranted about new Scottsdale residents who are stressing our environment. “Did you know the U.S. is the #1 trash producing country in the world? Each person makes 1600 pounds per year! And these people are adding to the carbon footprint!” I took the paper from him to see what got my lethargic spouse so provoked. Raised voices give me a headache and can push me toward a 9 on the Stress-O-Meter.

“Top Home Sales in Scottsdale”

In a column with a picture of a mansion decorated with faux stone on the front and Greek columns (they fit into our desert landscaping so well) was a list of recent purchases. One couple purchased a 3.5 million dollar home with more than 6,000-square-feet in the Desert Highlands Golf Club for cash. Who has that kind of money lying around? A trial attorney! Maury says there’s a special place in hell for attorneys. Now I won’t give you his name because he could come after me and then Maury would really be pissed because we’d have to use our life savings to hire another attorney to defend me. What do two people do in all those square feet? Does thong underwear help?

And There’s More!

The next couple purchased a 7,600-square-foot home in Paradise Valley Country Club, Scottsdale‘s neighboring city for almost three million in cold hard cash. That one has Venetian finishes, handcrafted cabinets and a lazy-river pool and spa and gazebo with swim-up bar. Guess what he does? Personal injury attorney! And I’d love to know what a lazy-river pool is!
Now Maury’s not a socialist but he sees things from an environmental point of view.”Do they really need 61/2 bathrooms?” he asks me. “If you have to go in that many places then you have a medical problem. See a doctor.” And don’t say you’re an attorney.

Bookmark It

Hide Sites