Only in our fair city will you find society photos of two beautiful blonds who still have smile lines at an event called “Botox and Baubles.” A local med spa raised funds for charity and featured the lovelies where I’m sure the raffle tickets earned a prize of a fresh vial of the injectable. Botox is big business in Scottsdale so the hint that it might create a tax sent my friends, April and Glee, apopleptic. That idea is moot now because they’re going to pick on tanning salons instead but there is a price war going on in spas all over the city. One med spa has a sign advertising “Walk-in Botox $10″ and others online list a vial at $3! For the price of a coffee you can return to work with a frozen face. You can even compare prices all over the U.S.!

Now that fifty is the new forty cougars are creating lots of traffic for the procedure. Glee explains, “I’m vibrant, smart, independent and well-traveled. Why shouldn’t I have a youthful man who’s fit and not intimidated by success? Part of that means I have to look young.” I agree with her but I don’t want her to look foolish either.

Glee and April dragged me to a Lip Reading spa event in Scottsdale  under the guise that it would reveal hidden parts of my personality. Of course I thought it had to do with not hearing well and reading mouth movements instead of getting a hearing aid. It turned out to be a Botox Party with entertainment. A serious looking woman with  bangs had us kiss a card three times and then she analyzed it. Now I still read my horoscope every morning even though Maury says astrology is junk science. Even though I had strong skeptical doubts about the veracity of the information I listened to what she had to say about our puckers.

First of all, I don’t know how any information could be accurate even if it really does reveal your inner personality.  April and Glee haven’t seen the original shape of their lips for years. They’ve been collagened, peeled and injected with unknown substances so many times I forget what they looked like originally. Except when I pull out old photos when our kids were in pre-school. Our expert told April her Cupid’s Bow means that she’s a good negotiator. I would say that’s accurate because she’s married to a personal injury attorney and has probably earned a law degree just living with him. She told Glee her lip imprint meant she had good communication skills and high energy.

Does stress show on my lips? What would she say about me? That my lips are on the large side so I’m a big communicator (which means I’m fresh and outspoken) and my imprint showed white lines (because I haven’t been enhanced) which mean they’re from stress because I have gerbil wheels spinning in my head. I knew that.

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The Borgata in Scottsdale, an open-air shopping center modeled after the Italian village of San Gimignano, features turrets, towers and tomatoes. Glee says we should all be eating organic like Oprah. I usually point out to her that Oprah has a chef to shop and chop for her. I have Maury, an ADD husband who doesn’t cook and wouldn’t be able to identify a Roma from a heritage. Anyway, on Fridays from now until the Spring our lovely European emporium will feature a farmer’s market with tomatoes, squash, olives and honey from local growers. We definitely support anyone who thinks they can grow food in the desert! I think I’ll mosey over there this week in my Birkenstocks, the best shoes for cobblestones, and watch some of the Scottsdale babes balance on their Jimmy Choos.

Falling Off Your Pole

In case you didn’t know, many clubs in Scottsdale have installed poles. Yes, that kind of pole. It seems some women want to show off their expertise after taking “exercise” classes that give them the experience of their first pole dance. Now my friend April already moves like a stripper so she’s not a candidate. It seems her neighbor’s daughter, and let me tell you, April knows everything about everybody in her Scottsdale neighborhood, fell off her pole. She’s a well-developed young woman who shimmied ten feet to the top with the encouragement of her friends and four Cosmos, only to have a piece of the ceiling break away causing her to land on the floor. She wasn’t seriously injured but April says she’s stressed in Scottsdale. Falling off her pole has left her with a sore shoulder, a bruised ego and laughing friends.

Scottsdale Cuisine and Edible Spa Treatments

Now I’m not totally unsophisticated about fine dining, but there are items on menus nowadays I can’t identify. The new restaurant at the Boulders Spa serves sunchoke soup, forbidden rice, garbanzo pancakes, Meyer lemon chervil gremolata, tea-soaked salmon, ancho-dusted sirloin and lemon-thyme sorbert. What happened to a sandwich and a salad? Worse, Glee says the new trend for spa treatments includes chocolate foot massages, caviar facials and milk-and-honey massages. Maury and my dog, Amber, would want want to lick me all over if I tried any of those.

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