As I was enjoying my fantasy of dessert at The Cheesecake Factory, Glee called with some unpleasant news. It seems with all these health and diet crazes, The Cheesecake Factory is going to be listing the calorie amounts of certain dishes on its menu.On the menu? Where everyone can see it?  Honestly, that’s mean.

“Jean, every morsel of guilty pleasure of their Godiva Cheesecake  adds an inch to your thighs and makes your belly jelly,” says Glee in her dogmatic fashion.

“I don’t care. Sometimes I need comfort food. Didn’t you read what Gail Sheehy said about middle-aged women? The majority are under high stress and 40 to 70 percent are in a depression..   “This midlife turnaround inspires hope or the study itself.”)

“And a piece of cheesecake will solve that?”  

“Listen, they did a 3 year study and we’re over the edge with taking care of everyone–kids, aging parents, ADHD husbands, jobs, menopause. My lists have lists.” As I tell her this my mother is calling me on my cell phone even though I’ve asked her to use my land line and leave a message. It buzzes incessantly in my shorts pocket.

“The menu is going to be called “SkinnyLicious.”

Is that supposed to be cute? Apparently it will offer dishes that are half the portion size. You can order your (NAME HER FAV–has to have choc!) and save calories!

I don’t like this idea at all! When treat myself  I want to relax, not worry about how many calories I consume with every bite. I watch my weight, but a girl’s gotta have some fun once in a while! My mother calls again on my cell.

“Glee, middle-aged women are struggling with the recession, no time to exercise, chronic health problems and depression. They’re gaining weight and you’re telling me to eat cheesecake?!”

“And you think cheesecake will make them feel better?”

“Hold on. Have to listen to my mother’s message.”

“Hello Jean? This is your mother. I have a coupon for the Cheesecake Factory, When can you take me?”

I repeat her message to Glee. ”You’d better hurry. The menu’s only until Septenber.”

Linkshttp://specials.msn.com/A-List/Health/Cheesecake-Factory-to-roll-out-calorie-cutting-menu.aspx?cp-documentid=29774063

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These are the first words out of my mouth when I walk into what was once my clean kitchen. Newspapers are scattered all over the counter and chairs and pieces of cut up papers are on the floor.

I hear a rustle and turn to see my daughter, Lara, sifting through a pile with a pair of scissors. She’s examining an advertisement for that organic grocery store she insists on shopping at.

“Lara what are you doing?”

Before she answers, Lara attacks the ad with her sharp scissors, cutting precisely along the black dotted line so all information is kept in tact.

“Lara, I have more!”

I turn to see a giant stack of newspapers hurry into the kitchen. I look down to see my mother’s walking shoes. I’d recognize those orthopedic sneakers anywhere!

She plops the pile on the counter. Papers fly everywhere!

“Will someone please explain to me what is going on?”

“We’re clipping coupons, Mother. You should do it. It’s a great way to save money. I went shopping last week and saved more than half of what my order would have been. You can even get them online”

“Jean, everyone’s doing it! Oh look, buy one get one half off ! Cut this one out Lara.”

I’ve heard about those women who carry binders filled with coupons on every product imagined. I know they help save money, but I’m not convinced enough to buy in bulk just to save a few cents. Last week I got stuck behind a woman who had coupons for almost every item in her cart. Or should I say carts – she had 3 of them.

There have even been reports of women digging through people’s trash and stealing newspapers for coupons. Can you believe that? Come to think of it…

“Mom, where did you get all these papers?”

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“I saw on the news about an elderly woman getting mugged.  She was just out on her afternoon walk, minding her own business when some guy came and grabbed her purse. He dragged her before taking off, purse in hand! Why did you make me move to such a dangerous place?”

“Mom, Scottsdale is not dangerous!”

“She was 76 years old! And it was during the day! When I think about muggings I think Central Park when all the creeps come out. Does this mean I can’t go out without a bodyguard or a can of pepper spray?”

“Mom, I’ve got to go, don’t go out by yourself until I call you later!”

I think about this unfortunate incident while heading to lunch with April and Glee. I can’t help but be on my guard.

What kind of a person steals from old ladies anyway? I know times are tough, but that’s no excuse. If someone tried to take my mother’s bag, they would be in for a surprise. She doesn’t have anything in it except for her reading glasses from Walgreens, her moisturizer and her hemorrhoid cream!

I can imagine if someone tried to take one of April’s designer bags – those cost more than anything she has in them! She’d have such a tight grasp on it, her knuckles would turn white from the grip she has on the strap. That purse won’t be going anywhere unless April’s with it. The one’s she is carrying now is wait-listed. Recognize it?

I think the only reason April works out every day with Pilates is so she can protect her handbags!

Is there a handbag you would sacrifice your savings and/or life for? Share with me your most coveted handbag!

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Lately we have been experiencing more than the occasional monsoon. My mother is at my house for a couple of days while they fix the air conditioning at Friendly Arms which means my house is at a standstill of 65 degrees. She lectures me on my outfit.

“Jean, since when do you wear heels with shorts?”

“Mom, these aren’t shorts. They’re capris.”

“That’s your excuse?”

I’m searching for my purse to go out to dinner at Roka Akor with April. She’s taking me out because her husband is out of town on a golfing trip. She picked that restaurant because she eats small portions and bites slowly in order not to mess her lipstick.

I check the living room for my purse to find Maury napping in his chair, TV left on, and the remote clutched in his hand. To my surprise it wasn’t the Golf Channel but the 6:00 news. My favorite news anchors in matching outfits and deep tans announce,

“A giant dust storm, known as a haboob, is rollling into the East Valley. Residents are advised to stay indoors. The massive dust cloud recorded with 50 mph winds and as tall as 8,000 feet is heading for Scottsdale.”

“That’s right, folks. If you don’t want to be covered in dirt, wrap yourself in a plastic bag.”

What? “Maury, wake up! The haboob is coming!”

The doorbell rings and I rush to answer it. April doesn’t look like April. The gorgeous woman in designer clothes looks like she’s been in a dirt hurricane. Wild, tangled hair, a schmutzy face, dirty clothes and muddy feet are not recognizable.

“April! What happened?”

“Jean, I don’t know. I was shopping at the Borgata and out of nowhere the wind starts to pick up. Blew my dress up for everyone to see. I was mortified so I ran to my car then I broke my heel. These were my favorite pair of Manolo Blahniks!” She is sobbing.

Oh, dear. I give April a hug to comfort her. “Why are you all wet?”

“It gets worse. On my way over I ran out of gas. Steve always fills up my car for me. As I was filling up the tank it rained long enough for me to get drenched. It’s awful out there, Jean. It’s dusty, windy and muggy from the rain. I can’t let anyone see me like this!”

“It’s okay. Go clean up. I’ll get the wine.” I guess I now know what a haboob is.

I hear my mother shouting from the living room. “Jean, why are they telling people to stay indoors because of women’s breasts?” Maybe I should grab the big glasses for the wine.

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Until the goats contracted an eye infection that spread to the sheep who went blind. And fell off the fake mountain. I was upset for days that these beautiful creatures who love to lock horns could no longer see each other.

I cannot make this up! Consult Chapter 2 in Stressed in Scottsdale for more documentation.

I, however, am not the only fan of Ovis canadensis. It seems Zen Mocarski, an education manager at the Arizona Game and Fish Department, is one too. He spearheaded an effort to build three overpasses so sheep can cross safely. I admire him.

But, of course there’s a level of absurdity to this as I point this out to Maury.
“Maury, Arizona’s largest herd of bighorn sheep will be safe from traffic.”
“I am very relieved to hear that.”
“They were going to build underpasses like they do for elk and deer but the sheep are very visual and can detect movement up to a mile away.”
“That’s nice, dear.”
“They don’t like to go underground in dark, dank tunnels.”
“Neither do I.”
“Maury, this is serious. The biologists asked the sheep. They collared and captured 75 of them with the help of sportsmen.”
“Wait. Those are the guys who want to kill them.”
“Right. But they won’t have any to shoot if the herd dies of disease or doesn’t breed properly.”
I continue to share this urgent information including the fact that this project cost $4.8 million. “They even seeded the surfaces with native plants and lots of dirt. Remote cameras took the first pictures of them crossing. I bet they looked cute with their little furry faces.”
“Jean, do you mean to tell me they can’t pay for transplants for a hundred people and they’re funding driveways for sheep?”
“Exactly.”

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It always struck me as odd to find someone you met online and fall in love. Wasn’t it not too long ago that they were warning us about people not being who they really are online? Even my mother weighed in on the issue.

“Jean, what’s wrong with these people going out on dates with people they meet on their computer? They could be purse-snatchers or muggers.”

“Mom, purse-snatchers go to shopping malls. They’re not looking online.”

The buzz about online dating begins with pressure being taken off of meeting someone face-to-face. You can actually control your first impression! Don’t like what they said? Easy. Delete. If only I could have done this in real life during my dating years, it would have saved me from some really bad blind dates, including the guy who abandoned me in his car while he searched for water to give a dog tied up outside a restaurant and showed up thirty minutes later. Or the one who took me to see his cadaver at the medical school. And my mother thought he’d be such a good catch because he was a doctor!

I am beginning to think that online dating might work. The new trend is about how you can go on virtual dates! The guy can take you to a virtual coffee shop or bowling alley and you chat with each other during the date. I’m a terrible bowler so he wouldn’t be impressed with my skills.

If the guy doesn’t want to fork out a few dollars to spend wining and dining in Scottsdale maybe virtual dating might work. Virtual dates also mean that women don’t have to worry about the hours of work it takes to get ready before a big night out.

I happen to notice that Glee is always checking her emails with her new fancy smart phone. So I asked her about it.

“Glee, are you dating someone online?”

“What? Of course not! Well, actually, I’m dating a few people.”

“Are you serious? How does that work?”

“They pick me up like a regular date only we’re online at the same time. They pick exotic locations, wonderful restaurants and unique methods of transportation.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“No, last week I went with Fabio on a romantic gondola ride in Virtual Venice. Then Pierre and I had a virtual dinner at the top of the Virtual Eiffel Tower. Next week I’m meeting Alexander for virtual snorkeling in the Virtual Greek Islands. I have a fabulous bathing suit picked out.”

“But, Glee, you’re not even going to get it wet!”

“Of course not. It costs $200 and has fake gold coins all over the bodice. They’d rust if I wore it in the water.”

“That’s right, I forgot. Cougars don’t like to get wet.”

If that’s how dates transpire then maybe it can be love at first sight. I’ll be lucky if I can get Maury away from the golf channel to go out for pizza!

To purchase any of the Jean Rubin Satire please visit Marciafine.com

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When Lara and Michael were younger and didn’t do something they were told, I would hide the remote to the TV. That kept them occupied for a couple of hours as they would try to look for it. After that I employed the B.I.T. Method of child rearing. Bribery, Intimidation and Threats. It worked every time.

Critics say Tiger Mom is crazy but in reality she’s not that different than some Scottsdale moms. There are two distinctive types. The first doesn’t want too much to do with their kids. They ship their children off to live with the other parent, boarding schools or pawn them off daily to nannies so they can live the Scottsdale lifestyle–mani-pedis, hair weaves, Botox injections (Did you know there are “Walk-in” specials for $5?!), shopping at Barney’s and drinking martinis in the afternoon. Although, a martini does sound good right about now. My kids are grown so it’s okay. Every woman needs a break.

The second type adheres to helicopter parenting and never lets her children out of her sight. These are the little ones who are allergy-prone, lactose-intolerant, gluten-free, asthmatic, vegan and prone to eczema. If momma manages every minute of their day there’s hope they’ll survive to get their driver’s permit at twenty.

I admit I left Lara and Michael in their teens home alone for a night when I had to go to Tucson with strict instructions not to order pizza for delivery. You never know if your delivery boy is an actual serial killer. Paranoia runs in the family. My mother told me recently, “Jean, I know the caretaker here looked in my underwear drawer.” There’s really no response for that.

Anyway, Tiger Mom may be harsh but at least she is paying attention. Bet her kids score high on the SATs!

To purchase any of my books please visit Marcia Fine’s website, Marciafine.com

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I have been trying to write and publish a book for years and this girl out of Jersey comes along and all she does is drink, dance and fight.  How did it become #24 on the NYT Best Seller list?  From the short glimpse I have seen of her show, I didn’t even know that girl could read above a 3^rd grade level.

Snooki’s response on Twitter “OMG I’m a New York Times Best Selling Author!!! Thank you so much to my fans, family and everyone who made this possible! LOVE YOU ALL!!” It is not exactly how I would respond if my book was this successful but I have to say I guess the girl is a walking orange marketing tool.

The latest I have heard is that now Snooki is getting tired of her nickname. She claims she misses being called Nicole but I don’t understand how she can get bored of a name that made her famous, if this is even what fame is nowadays.

Glee loves Snooki.  She thinks she’s an adorable little doll from a completely different planet.  I happen to notice that Glee has been a little more orange these days and trying different hairstyles to get the Snooki poof but look “less trashy.”  Glee says she is going to invent the Scottsdale poof and it will be the next big thing.

It makes my skin crawl knowing you can make a fortune being a drunk, tan idiot on national television and develop a book out of it.  I was convinced someone wrote it for her but I read an excerpt and I am pretty convinced that it isn’t possible for a professional writer to “dumb” themselves down that much.

Well, good for Snooki in the long run, hopefully once she drops the nickname she will also drop off as well.

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So Bristol Palin bought a house in Maricopa, a city not far from Scottsdale.  I didn’t even know she was old enough to own property. Glee says she paid $172,000 in cold hard cash. I wasn’t paying careful attention, but are mediocre dancers earning big bucks? Or maybe she got paid a lot of money for doing the abstinence commercial with the guy from “The Jersey Shore” called “The Situation.” Either way was it really necessary to use cash? No credit cards or mortgages up in Alaska?

Glee is fascinated with the fact that Bristol’s new home has 5 bedrooms! “I bet one will be a dance studio,” surmises my dear friend. In reality Glee wants to be her personal life coach and April wants to do a Scottsdale make-over on her. April said, “With the new body shapers and a visit to some of better Scottsdale boutiques she’d be a knock out.”  Maury’s worried that her mom, Sarah, is going to move in with her. “You know, Jean, I don’t agree with their politics, but if Todd wants to take me fly fishing, I wouldn’t turn him down.” My mother is horrified. “Jean, I hope they don’t show up at my assisted living facility like some of those other politicians. They’re attractive people but I’m not interested in hunting.”

I try to tell all of them that she probably just bought it as a vacation home, a respite from frigid Alaska temperatures. It’s not like they’re going to be be our new neighbors.  I think Bristol’s smart to invest in real estate. There are lots of bargains here now!
I told Maury if Bristol decides to “meet her neighbors” by introducing herself door to door I’ll welcome her in and start a discussion about what to look for in a man. First, he shouldn’t have ADD unless you want to picxk up after him all the time and secondly, cooking is a requirement.
Glee is excited about the prospect of be-friending her.  I think she wants to broaden her spectra of friends.  She doesn’t have a political one and Bristol is going to be the closest she can get.  She’s purchased a red, white and blue outfit with sequins for the imminent event of meeting her.
I think this is stressing me in Scottsdale!

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Now I understand we all have our scandals, but the latest news rocking New Rochelle, NY caught my attention. Catholic Sister Marie Thornton embezzled $850,000 from a suburban New York City college as Vice-president of finance. It was all for her personal use. Sounds like a Scottsdale story for sure!

Okay, maybe my mental picture of a woman with a no-nonsense haircut devoid of make-up in plain clothes and nurses’ shoes lacks imagination, but what could she have spent that amount of money on? Designer lingerie? Jimmie Choos to roam her stark apartment? Wigs? Jewelry?

Nope! Gambling in Atlantic City! Blackjack specifically. And she must not have been very good at it. The 62-year-old sister of a religious order worked all week and used Iona College‘s money to play on the weekend. The tony school charges $28,000 a year for tuition.

When the college caught her after a ten year run they said she left for medical reasons. Most of the money was recovered and no one would have been the wiser except…for the fact that Iona College filed the losses on their income tax. Hello? You have an employee who steals almost a million dollars and you not only don’t press charges but you create a cover-up and then you put in down as a loss on your taxes? Given that gambling is an addiction like alcohol is there any moral outrage?

By the way, a recent picture of her fit my description perfectly except I missed the eyeglasses.

Garbage and Flowers

I make an effort to go through all our mail everyday, sorting Maury’s golf and political magazines, solicitations from charities, who, once you make a small donation because they got you with a limpid-eyed-child, dog or horse, will never stop, announcements from new chiropractors, cleaners and dentists in your neighborhood and invitations to charitable events that cost $10,000 a table, you realize that a lot of paper is being wasted.

There’s not a solution for junk mail. It’s a free country and people can send what they want. But, it freaks me out. I can fill up a large garbage bag with discarded mail, paper from packaging and plastic that won’t be bio-degradable for 1000 years. If I add, the flowers that have bloomed and passed leaving purple petals on my kitchen counters, their pistons and stamens naked in smelly water, I could probably win a garbage contest. There’s only two of us and an old dog. Wouldn’t it be great if we could opt out of the mail? And then email? And then faxes? I think I’m stressed again!

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