“Jean! I’m going to be on TV!” Glee’s enthusiastic voice bursts into my car. I am on my way to the Apple store because Maury decided I couldn’t live without an iPad. Which is what he wanted. All husbands must do that–get you something you don’t want because they like it.

“Huh? Aren’t you already on TV?”

“Stop kidding around. This is a new reality show that’s looking for people who ‘reign supreme in the social scene.’ That’s me! I’m part of the Scottsdale elite!”

“Glee, don’t those mushroom brains reveal everything about their personal and professional lives on those shows? You can’t be serious.” My daughter-in-law, Rivka, is texting me: Kids vomiting. Can u come over?

“I am very serious. One good reality show and you can be famous! Look at that slut on “Jersey Shore”. I’d bring some class to the venue.” I stop at a red light and text back: Call Maury.

“Wait a minute. I read about this. They want people between the ages of 21 and 30. Uh, Glee–you haven’t seen those numbers in decades.”

“No one knows that. I look much younger since I started on the hormone injections, B-12 shots and Latisse. Besides, Scottsdale is the next South Beach. The guy running it, Doron Ofir, used to work with Ben Quayle.”

Doron Ofir is responsible for this?! And it may be coming to Scottsdale?!

“Glee! That newly elected congressman who’s the son of a former VP who can’t spell has a scandal following him around. Doron Ofir started a dirty blog in Scottsdale that degrades women. You can’t do this!” I feel my sense of justice and fairness being riled up.

“Oh Jean, no one pays attention to that. It was a silly blog that college kids use to torture each other. The starring couple is supposed to be Nick Richie and his wife, Shayne Lamas. Maybe I’ll get to meet Lorenzo!”

Now that would be some drama–how many boyfriends Glee can go through in a season. Watching the hoi polloi of Scottsdale might actually relieve some of my stress!

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I find most of this embarrassing because friends and relatives call from other states questioning the veracity of the reports. Simply said, I want to stay out of it. I am way too busy–that means stressed–to get involved in politics, especially after Maury hoodwinked me into participating in a scandal-ridden campaign last year fraught with a charisma-lacking politician, a nutty legislator who attacked me and a Rock Burglar scandal.

I am very interested in staying non-political despite the fact that Maury, my husband of all good causes, insists on spreading his passionate opinions.

The fact is Sarah Palin has bought an 8,000-square-foot home in North Scottsdale on four acres with five bathrooms and a six-car garage. It’s all over the news. Pundits predict she will be attending local political events and will seek higher office after establishing residency.

Personally, I don’t care. That’s right. I refuse to get sucked into politics when I’m dealing with my mother, kids, babysitting, a consulting job and Maury, my left-wing husband who can go over the edge. He’s not at the Rush end of the spectrum but he’s not exactly in the center either. At any rate, he’s a bit excited because Sarah’s coming to town. He’s convinced the Tea Party is going to make Scottsdale their headquarters. Really? Sun-tanned blondes with enhanced boobies and perfect nails marching? I don’t think so. Frankly, as long as they don’t bother my mother and exacerbate her psoriasis it’s not my business. I’m dealing with other issues.

“Jean, did you hear they want to take away my Medicare?”

“Mom, please. No one’s taking away your Medicare. They might take away mine but that’s another story.”

“What will happen to me?”

“Maury and I will always take care of you. You know that.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mom, you’ll never be out on the street.”

“How do you know? What if something happens?”

“Mom, nothing will happen. We’ll make sure of that.”

“Does that mean I can move in with you?”

“Uh–not exactly.”

Yes, having a former vice-presidential candidate with a high profile moving to our neighborhood is going to make things interesting around here. But I refuse to let it distract me. If I see her at the grocery store I’ll just say hi. And, no matter what, Maury is not involving me in one of his crazy schemes!

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“Look, if you think I’m going to start running around in leggings with these chubby thighs, you’ve got another thing coming. I think it’s important to act my age.”

“Jean,” says Glee in her best authoritarian voice, “you just need to be more contemporary. It doesn’t have to be style as much as color.”

“Does that mean I can’t wear khaki and brown anymore?”

“Well, it does make you look a little militaristic,” adds April in her throaty voice.

“Okay, you two. What’s up? Don’t tell me. Eggplant is the new hue and I’m supposed to wear it so I look like one.”

“No, no, no. There’s a new color that’s a combination of orange, red and pink and it will look marvelous with your skin tone,” says Glee. “The sales woman in Neiman’s told me it’s the most captivating, stimulating, viscerally alive color in the spectrum.”

“Glee, she was just trying to get you to buy something. Remember you said you were going to stop shopping for a while?”

“Jean, it’s a strong, positive, affirmative color that will change your attitude!”

“And,” April pipes in, “it’s the most important color for spring. They’re going to be using it for clothes, candles and upholstery.”

“Wait. You want me to dress up as a chair?”

“We’re not saying you should wear it all the time. Just add a few pieces to your wardrobe and drop the leopard spots.”

“I only have one animal print scarf,” I say, a little hurt. Maybe I should pay more attention to what I wear. ”Okay. What’s it called?”

“Honeysuckle. It’ll remind you of the sweet nostalgic fragrances of the nectar hummingbirds buzz around,” says Glee.

“Are you kidding me? You want me to wear yellow? I’ll look sick.”

“It’s not yellow. It’s reddish pink with an undertone of orange,” says Glee.

“April adds, “It can be worn Scottsdale casual or formal. Just don’t pair it with black. White only.”

“Thank you, ladies. I appreciate the wonderful advice. Just look for a hibiscus pumpkin in the aisles at Trader Joe’s.”

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If I’m going some place with Glee she tells me to dress “Scottsdale“. Now I’m not exactly sure what that means, but I think I’m supposed to overdress and leave my Birkenstocks at home. Of course I always carry my tote bag loaded with everything from binkies to a paring knife I keep forgetting to return to Lara.  The bag’s black so I think it matches everything. Glee says a bag should co-ordinate with our shoes. I think it’s a miracle if I get out of the house. The only Fashion Police I know are my mother and the elderly ladies in her assisted living facility.

This last week was Scottsdale Fashion Week. Glee and April took me to the art-t0-wear fashion show. I realized they probably  figured I’d fit in with that crowd when I saw the models wearing yellow and black make-up, strutting hand-painted clothing that looked like my little granddaughter’s scribbles and  mile-high shoes . I couldn’t envision myself in the peacock feather headdress either but some of the clothing from the local waterfront art galleries was excellent. Waterfront, you say? Yes, here in the desert we can take a drainage canal and call it waterfront property, build condos and charge outrageous prices because it’s located in Scottsdale! Anyway, there were a lot of women who attended with edgyhaircuts, handbags with initials scrawled across them and pooched lips.

Stress from Too Many Men 

Now I can barely handle Maury so it seems incredible the most notorious woman in China know as “The Godmother” had sixteen lovers. Of course there are a few Scottsdale Babes who do have bragging rights to a stable of men too. The Godmother’s been convicted of running 10 gambling dens, strong-arming police officers and bribing government officials. She sounds like someone who deserves 18 years in prison but then I read she had a stable of 16 young men for her pleasure. I could not make this up. Can you imagine how stressed your  favorite  furry pet would be if you had to entertain so many men? Do you pick like you would if you had a garaghe of great cars? “I’ll drive the Mercedes and the Jaguar today.” Or do you rank according to size? They said the testimony was lurid. I wish I could have heard that.

Clowns and Cellphones

Now I’m a multitasker so I’m always doing something else while I’m on the phone. Maury left me an article on my placemat which is subtle way of saying, “Look at this. Here’s the evidence.” That means he’s ready to take me on in a heated discussion about doing too much. Of course women do to much. That’s because men hardly do anything! Scientific studies have been done that prove 75 percent of people talking on a cell phone do not see a unicycling clown even if he has yellow hair and a big red nose. Their conversations are that distracting.

Now there are times when I’m discussing fertility issues with my daughter-in-law or chiding my son about getting a job or telling my mother to turn off Wolf Blitzer because he will always be in a situation while I unload the dishwasher, throw in a load of laundry or take  a handful of vitamins that Glee insists will keep me young. I probably wouldn’t notice a unicycling clown if he was riding down the street, but trust me, I’d observe  someone  having a bad hair day.

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